Aug

6

When I grow up




I was watching bits and pieces of an Oprah show about Maria Shriver’s new book, Just Who Will You Be?. I haven’t read the book yet, but listening to the discussion it really felt like a book I could relate to at this point in my life.

I’m having a hard time with the “almost 40″ thing. I can’t even remember how old I am. People will ask me and I’ll say I’m 38, then my husband corrects me and says no, you’re 39. I’ve even said things to my mom about being 38 and she laughs, because I’m 39. So clearly I’m blanking my 39th birthday completely out.

My late 20’s and early 30’s were consumed with getting married and having babies. A lovely time, but definitely all consuming. Through my own choices, but without much thought, I started rearranging my life to whatever suited my family best. I gave up a graduate degree program that I loved and was doing well in, in order to be with my fiance and be able to get married sooner. No regrets there. I had my babies and gave up a great career to concentrate on raising them. No regrets there either. But I can see now that little by little I let go of a part of me, in order to make room for everything else.

I don’t think you can do everything and do it all well, something has to give. I’ve already admittedthat I can’t do it all. For many women I think what “gives” most of the time is us, our jobs, our interests, our time. There’s just not a lot left over at the end of the day. For me this was most true when my kids were babies and toddlers. I’ve always worked, but suddenly I wasn’t choosing jobs based on salaries and benefits, but on flexible hours and time off. It’s a trade off, and there was no question what was important to me.

Now my kids are a little older, and I can see a tiny light beckoning at the end of a long tunnel, a place and time in the not too distant future when these guys won’t need me as much. I don’t like this idea, and I get annoyed everytime my  husband says “soon we’ll have another driver in the family”. Please, do not remind me. But it’s coming, whether I like it or not.

I can’t think of the time when my boys will be independent without thinking, then what the heck am I going to do? For 13 years I’ve worked my schedule, my life around them. Always because I wanted to. But what do I do when I’m not needed so much? I’ve made a conscious choice to work only part time jobs, or jobs that allow me to work from home. These weren’t the jobs I went to college for, and they aren’t jobs that I would have chosen if I wasn’t being led by my heart back to those little boys. They were jobs that worked for our family, so that I could be with them as much as possible. But what about when I get to choose again?

I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. I have a hard time with change, but I know changes are coming. My husband likes to tell me that at 40, I’m just getting started. It’s not the end of anything, but a great new beginning. Time for me to get to do what I want to do, I just don’t know yet what that is.

Of course my life isn’t changing when I turn 40 in 6 months, I’ll still have 2 guys at home that need me around a lot. I’ve got a few years. But it’s something to think about, something to look forward to. After all these years of doing what’s best for everyone, I’m not sure what I want to do, or who I will be. I do know, it will be good.

Do you know what you want to be when you grow up?

Post to Twitter Tweet This Post

  • Job hunting blues
  • How I want to be when I grow up
  • Happy Mother’s Day


    • Add to Technorati Favorites
    New here? Subscribe to Unexpected Bliss or have it delivered via email. add to kirtsy


    Filed Under Family, Me, Uncategorized | 3 Comments 

    3 Responses to “When I grow up”

      1
        mary on August 7th, 2008 7:39 am

        You know, I have another perspective. I’m 36 and newly married, no kids yet. I would be thrilled to have that little light opening up for me at 39! (Jeez…I hope I have KIDS by then! Yikes.)

        I bet it’s going to be a change (that focus from them to you) and probably overwhelming as you try to figure out what to do. But I think if you step back, the answers will come to you and you’ll be drawn down the right path for you.

      2
        Sheri on August 7th, 2008 8:10 am

        Definitely overwhelming! But welcome, too.

      3
        Donna T. on November 14th, 2008 12:52 pm

        I’m dangerously approaching that boulder-sized milestone known as “fifty,” and still have about a bazillion doubts, about which career path to take. I try to read career advice books, but I’m of the mindset now, that I have to sneer at a lot of their advice. Frankly, even 30 years ago, the oh-so-popular “What Color is Your Parachute?” totally baffled me.