Aug

15

Didn’t see this one coming




I’ve been debating whether or not to write about this all day, whether or not to publicly vent about a rather personal matter. Finally I decided to vent, maybe someone will have some feedback for me.

My oldest son, Tanner, just started 7th grade. In our town 6th, 7th, and 8th grade are all separated, completely separate schools. So it’s all new teachers every year. I like that the grades are separated, but it does make it a little stressful for the kids to have to  learn to navigate a new school each year.

A little background, so you can understand where I coming from. As far as school goes, I’ve always told my kids, it’s kind of like a job. You will have teachers (bosses) whom you may not like, or who may not like you. You still go to school (work) every day, and do your best to either get in their good graces or stay under their radar. But if you get in trouble at school, you most likely will be in trouble at home, even if it’s a rule we don’t necessarily agree with.

See, for the most part I’m a conformist. If it’s the rule, then I’m going to try my hardest not to break it. I avoid conflict, and that works for me. I think it’s a good policy when it comes to school. I’ve never gone marching up to my childrens school with a complaint or gripe about something a teacher said or did. It would take a lot for me to do that, because I think it is like a job, it’s their job and they have to go.

There was only one time, when Tanner was in 1st grade, that I felt like I had a reason to go marching up to the school. My husband disagreed, he felt like it was the spring semester, not much longer to go so just keep the peace. Looking back, with several more years of parenting under my belt, I know now that  I should have gone to the school and discussed the situation with the teacher, possibly with the principal. It might not have changed a thing, but it would have shown my son that we were on his side, and that certain behavior is unacceptable, even for a teacher. But I can’t change that, and I’ve never had a situation come up again where I considered going to talk to the teacher privately.

My kids are very similar to me, they’re pretty quiet, they’re good students, and I’ve never gotten a phone call from a teacher or had any bad reports on my boys. They want to be good in school, and to do well. Sure, they can be little stinkers at home, but they’re not at school.

So Tanner started 7th grade. He told me about all of his teachers, he liked them all and had a good first day. He did mention that in English, he and his buddy were chatting and the teacher made him sit on the floor instead of at his desk. I’d never heard of that particular consequence, but to each his own.  I make it a point to not question the teachers. They’ve got plenty to deal with.

On the 2nd day of school, Tanner told me that he had an “incident” in English, which is his last class of the day, and his teacher got really mad at him. I halfway thought he was joking, my sons like to tease me. But I could tell by the look on his face he wasn’t joking.

Apparently, a friend of his had to sit on the floor again during class, then this same friend got called up to the teachers desk for a private talk. Tanner and another buddy didn’t know what happened, so after the final bell rang and kids were dismissed for the day, he and this 2nd friend waited in the hall for the kid who had to go up to the teachers desk. They just wanted to ask him what happened. They asked, he answered, and the 3 of them laughed. I guess the teacher had been standing by the classroom door, because she called Tanner and his friend back into the classroom. She wanted to know why they were talking to the other kid, and she told them to leave him alone. Then she said something to the effect of, if this behavior continues I will swat you, and I will have you removed from Honors English.

What just happened here???

Threatening to swat a child, for talking and laughing in the hallway after class was over? Threatening to remove him from the honors class, on the 2nd day of school?  I’m more than a little confused, baffled, dumbfounded. Maybe I’m way off base, but that kind of consequence for that particular behavior seems a little like life in prison for stealing a pack of gum.

My first response to my son was, Are you sure she used the word “swat”? Because I didn’t know they even did that anymore, so I was shocked that she said that. Then I said, surely there’s more to it then, because what you did doesn’t match up with what she threatened to do about it. I questioned him repeatedly, told him to make sure he told me exactly what happened, in the right order, and everything that was said. I made sure he knew that I would be verifying this with the teacher. His story never changed.

I understand that teachers, especially teachers in the upper grades when kids are bigger, louder, and can be much harder to manage, have to establish control very early on. I get that, and I’ve always told my kids, be on your very best behavior the first few weeks, because these new teachers do not know  you. They don’t know that you’ve never been in trouble and are good students, so you have to show them. I said that again this year when school started. Start off on the right foot.

Tanner was trying to start the  year off right, and he didn’t understand  at all why she was so mad, but he told her he was sorry. He was afraid I’d be mad at him, which I’m not. I felt like this was one of those times when I needed to let him know, we are on his side. I told him there won’ t be any swatting, or removing from the honors program, before I visit that school and find out exactly why.

I did find out that she is a very new, very young teacher. To me that explains a little about why she’d be coming down so hard on a kid so quickly. It doesn’t make it right, in my opinion. If either of my kids did something that deserved spanking or removing from the program, then by all means, go ahead. Teach them a lesson. But I don’t see the lesson here, and he doesn’t either. For the life of me, I’m not sure what happened, or why.

I don’t know what to tell him to do or not to do, because I don’t understand what happened. I told him, for whatever reason, this teacher already does not like you. So he has to try extra hard to stay out of her way, to keep his mouth shut, and to not give her any reason, no matter how small, to do the things she’s already threatened to do. I told him to not make a peep in her class, sit quietly and do your work. Just get through it.

I did send her an email. I waited until I calmed down. Then I simply told her that Tanner had told us what had happened, that we were very disappointed that the year started off badly, and that once she gets to know him she’ll find that he’s a good student. I also told her that he struggles with low self esteem, like many if not most 13  year olds, and to cover that insecurity he jokes and tries to be funny. But that we know he was not trying to misbehave in her class on the 2nd day of school.

I asked her to contact me if she had any concerns, that his dad and I both want this to be a good year for him. It was a nicer email than what I was feeling, but we have to get through this year.

I’d love to know what you all think about this, did I do the right thing, how could I have handled it better?

My husband thinks that at the very least I needed to also send an email to the principal, asking if it’s school policy to swat kids, if so for what type of offenses, and if  it’s the school policy to remove kids from the honors class before they’ve even turned in a days work. He’s very angry, and that’s so surprising to me because he’s even more of a conformist than I am. 

I couldn’t do it. I’m too worried about the backlash that will only hurt our son, if we manage to annoy and anger the teacher and the administration right off the bat. But part of me agrees with him, that a line was crossed for no good reason and by letting it slide we are letting the tone be set for the year.

 How would you have handled this situation? What would you tell your child?

I’m still just baffled.

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    Filed Under Family, My boys | 11 Comments 

    11 Responses to “Didn’t see this one coming”

      1
        Pamk on August 15th, 2008 8:34 pm

        my youngest son also started 7th grade this year. First of all I would have asked her to tell me her side of the story so that I could have all the facts. I would probably asked the other child too if possible. But if she stated it like that again. i would have definitely had a few things to say. Especially threatening to throw him out of class on the 2nd day. That was a little much. kids need time to settle back into the school routine after being off all summer. And there would not be any consequences for my son I’d make sure of it.

      2
        Nancy on August 15th, 2008 8:58 pm

        My oldest starts Kindergarten in a few weeks, so take my opinion for what it’s worth. I think you did the right thing by emailing the teacher, and hopefully she won’t misread the email and think you are attacking her. I would wait for her response, and then based on that, determine whether the principal needs to be notified. I do have to say if anyone who is not related to him threatened to swat my kid I wouldn’t let that go. New and young or old and crotchety, that’s not acceptable in this day and age.

      3
        Loralee on August 15th, 2008 9:20 pm

        You did the right thing as a first move. It NEVER pays to be immediately heavy-handed with teachers or administration. If the problem with her persists, it’s a different story.

      4
        Angela on August 16th, 2008 12:47 am

        OK, I am coming from a different perspective here. My boys are grown and out of school. And while they were both generally good in the school, they had their fair share of trips to the principal, detention, etc. And neither of my boys are conformists, in any way, shape, or form.

        That said, I cannot imagine that ANY child could have done anything on the 2nd day of school that would have merited that response. I think that contacting the teacher was the right thing to do, and I agree with Pamk that I would have asked her to give me her side of the story.

        I, personally, would also contact the office and find out the policy on swatting and the procedure for it. But if your son is being honest with you, and it sounds like he is, then he did nothing at all wrong. As long as he is telling the truth, you definitely need to back him up on this. And I don’t know how big your school system is, but if there truly is a personality conflict between the teach and your son that will effect his quality of education, they may be able to rearrange his schedule and get him into a different Honors English class with a different teacher.

        I agree with you that there will always be people in our life that we have to work for (teacher or boss) that we don’t get along with and that it is good for the children to understand this. At the same time, if he is not a trouble maker (and again, it sounds like he is not) then making him suffer through an excruciating year that could potentially change his feelings about school. Maybe that sounds like I am over-reacting, and I may be, but I worked in a middle school environment for several years and I know that it is a terribly important time for the kids and the development of their self-esteem. Spending a semester with a teacher that may end up belittle me would not endear me to school.

        Not a child psychologist or anything, just another mom. Hope this helps a little.

      5
        Sheri on August 16th, 2008 10:00 am

        I agree that it’s not a good idea to go in swinging right at the start, which is why I didn’t go up to the school. I’m hoping that she just overreacted, in an attempt to establish her authority, and that she’ll realize he’s not going to be a problem for her.

        But I know from the previous situation we had in 1st grade, it completely affected his view of school, like Angela said. He hated going, he cried every night and every morning, and it was all because of the teacher. Looking back, I should have said something. It took a long time before he liked school and actually wanted to go after that year. So I don’t want it to get to that point now.

        She did respond to my email, but it was basically just to thank me for contacting her. All she said was that she talked to him and she doesn’t think there will be “any more problems”. I’m still confused because I don’t think there was a problem in the first place, but I’m glad she knows that he did tell us and we are paying attention to what’s going on.

        I’m going to go through all the papework they give us, I know there is a set discipline procedure that they follow and it involves detention, in school suspension, things like that. I’m interested to see if swatting is on the list of standard procedures.

        Thank you for all your responses and advice, I really needed to get some other perspectives on this because I always second guess myself. This just really caught me offguard.

      6
        Robyn's Online World on August 16th, 2008 2:56 pm

        Wow – that’s a shame that this one class is starting out bad for him. I think you handled it really well. I would definitely keep a written record for yourself of the events just in case things continue to go downhill with this teacher. I was really surprised to hear she was a young teacher, I was expecting an old teacher! The swatting talk really surprised me, I just assumed corporal punishment was against the law in all schools across the country at this point. We homeschool my son, but he was in public school before and had more than our fair share of problems so I understand where you are coming from.

      7
        Janis on August 16th, 2008 3:03 pm

        HI :)
        As a former teacher I believe you handled it the right way. Although I would check the student handbook as to discipline procedures. I can’t imagine any public school that still allows swatting as a punishment. I would also keep all records of any contact with this teacher (and any other) so if other problems arise you can show that it is a continuing problem when you do go to the principal. I would also keep a journal or at least print out what you wrote to keep in the file – at least the facts. It’s always good to create a record while it is fresh in your mind.

        Good Luck and hope the school year improves for your son and your family!
        Janis

      8
        Forgetfulone on August 16th, 2008 4:31 pm

        First of all, I have been teaching middle school for 20 years. I teach English, 6th and 7th grade, both honors and regular. My twins will be 7th graders this year, and they don’t go to the school where I teach, so I have been in situations like this one that you are in. In addition, we have a 10th grade and a college student at home, too. So, I’ve been where you are.

        Second, almost all middle school kids struggle with self-esteem issues, even if it seems like they don’t. Teachers are very important in their lives in that they can boost or damage that self-esteem with a wrong word or look. That’s not to say that the child will be irreparably damaged” but kids that age take things to heart. Surely this teacher knows that, and if not, she needs to learn it now.

        My advice is give the teacher the benefit of the doubt at the beginning. Speak to her in person, though, or on the phone. Email doesn’t always give us an idea of a person’s tone. Maybe she’s the kind who jokes, and your son and his friends took it the wrong way because they don’t know her well enough yet. Maybe not. Your son’s time in her class will be much easier if you don’t attack (which you didn’t). Just ask her point blank, at least over the phone, to tell you what happened. If she doesn’t mention the “swat,” ask her. She needs to know that it’s not appropriate, and if she’s young, better for her to learn now than later.

        Side note for Angela – YES, kids misbehave on the 2nd day of school, and yes, sometimes enough to warrant a real consequence. They often misbehave on the FIRST day of school. Things have changed so much since I started teaching. It really is different now than it was even ten years ago.

        I would absolutely talk to the teacher before ever contacting the principal. The principal wasn’t there when it happened, and if she’s a new teacher, the principal won’t know a lot about her personally, either. Besides, once we contact the principal, it makes us appear over-zealous. And at this age, sometimes it’s best to let your son handle things in his way first. I would only contact the principal if the teacher doesn’t address your concerns adequately and if there is another incident.

        I hate to sound like a know-it-all, but I’ve been on both sides of this fence, so I hope I’ve said something helpful.

      9
        Karen on August 16th, 2008 4:45 pm

        I very much prefer face-to-face communication about conflicts vs. email. It’s so much better IMO for people to see each other and see that there is a PERSON who they are accountable to. It takes more time, but it also opens the door to glean more information about the teacher and what she’s like, what’s going on, etc. etc.

        I hope things go better, but if you need to interact with school folks again, I’d recommend going for a face-to-face talk. Good luck!

      10
        Queen of the Click on August 16th, 2008 5:08 pm

        I am a middle school (6th – 8th grade) teacher so I thought I would reply.

        First, you did the right thing in e-mailing the teacher. If the teacher’s response doesn’t seem to ease your mind about the situation, e-mail her back and ask to make an appointment to meet with her.

        Meeting with the teacher in person will allow you to get a feel for her and she for you. She will see that you are backing her and support her classroom management procedures. She will learn that asking a child to sit on the floor and threatening to remove him from the honors class doesn’t work well for you.

        Although this young teacher may look confident, she’s probably more scared/nervous than you know. She wants to makes sure she has established herself in the classroom with these children, but probably doesn’t realize she came on too strong.

        You’re right going to the principal before dealing with the teacher isn’t that good. A face to face meeting with the teacher should smooth things over. I’m sure everything will be settled shortly. Good Luck!

      11
        Sheri on August 16th, 2008 7:09 pm

        I am so glad that you teachers chimed in,too. I wanted to get that point of view, too.

        I always try to give the teacher the benefit of the doubt, because I haven’t walked in their shoes. I’m sure a classroom full of 7th graders is intimidating to a new or younger teacher, maybe to any teacher, and I know she has to establish control from the second they walk in her classroom. I just felt there should have been a better way. It seemed like she escalated the whole thing to a higher level than was warranted.

        I want this to work itself out, I want him to just know that he has to be on his best behavior for her and to just do it. But I’m also going to be paying attention. I know my son, and because of his self esteem issues and just his personality, too much badgering will break his desire to do well in her class. He’ll just quit trying, and I don’t want to see that happen. I’m definitely saving all correspondence with her, and keeping some notes so I remember what he has told me.

        I would have preferred to call her, or go in, but in our district they’ve made it clear, they all prefer emails. And really I was able to write a much calmer email than what I was feeling. If I had seen her face to face I might have come across as angry, and confrontive, and that probably wouldn’t have helped.

        I just hope it all simmers down now.

        Thanks again.