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Aug
25
This is a painful post to write. I started out trying to write it as a humorous anecdote about our family, but it’s not funny, at all. I feel like I need to write it, maybe there is someone out there who needs to read it. So here goes.
Our whole computer addiction started out innocently enough. Club Penguin, anyone? My oldest son never got into Webkinz, kind of skipped right over that. He likes manga, likes to watch manga and draw manga. He started making mixed videos, mixing cartoons with music. His dad and I were ok with that, in fact it was just another artistic, creative outlet for him. That started about a year ago.
He was very good at making these videos, and soon had a kind of following on the sites he went to. I watched it closely, it really was just a bunch of kids making these videos and rating their favorites. I had his email password, which I didn’t need because he never got any emails.
He saved his money to buy some video making software, and started putting his videos on YouTube. I watched this even more closely, that’s a little too “wide open” for me. But I still didn’t see him doing anything risky, he just wanted to make videos. And he was part of a community of kids making these same type of manga videos, they had contests and “video wars”. Seemed harmless. Besides, we have blocks and filters on our computer, so it must be safe.
This became his favorite hobby, but he still did great in school, kept up with scouts and karate, so we were actually just glad he had a hobby that let him be creative. It went on for awhile, and he kept reminding me of something I had said years ago, that he could probably have a computer when he turned 13. He turned 13 in June. I never wanted my kids to have their own computer, but the only computer we had is my work pc, and all of his videos were really slowing it down. I was ready to have my own computer, just for work, so we got the 2nd computer for everyone else.
The problem was, my husband doesn’t get online at home, my younger son doesn’t get online at all, so it was essentially my older son’s pc. And that’s where the story gets a little ugly.
We set time limits on the computer, but it was summer, so we were more lax than we normally would be. It was a couple of weeks before I realized that we might be headed towards a problem. At first we thought, it’s just the newness of it, he’ll get tired of it. But he didn’t. He stopped returning his “real life” friends’ phone calls. He stopped playing with his brother. He didn’t want to participate in any of his extracurricular activities. When we forced the issue, he was furious, and became sullen and moody when he was with us. He didn’t want to do anything but be online.
We set more limits, and when school started I was relieved, because now he wouldn’t have time to be online. My rule was no computer Monday through Thursday, only on the weekends. It was a constant battle, me telling him to get off it, him asking for just a few more minutes. And when he wasn’t online, he was miserable.
We finally confronted him about it, about how he was missing out on life by being online. That those weren’t his friends, it wasn’t real and it could be dangerous. He told us that those were his true friends, they knew him better and understood him better than anyone else.
If we were looking for a warning sign, we had it then. Bright red, flashing neon lights going off.
I don’t think the internet is inherently bad for kids. I think it’s a great resource. I am aware of the dangers and I’ve talked openly and honestly with my kids about internet predators. But it’s more than online stalkers that parents have to worry about. When you have a kid, a teenager going through all the changes and struggles that come with just being 13, a kid who has always been insecure, always had self esteem issues, the internet becomes the safe place. You can be whoever you want online. You can play whatever role you want. It’s so much easier than real life. And it’s so easy for lonely, confused kids to get caught up in all that the internet has to offer.
My son wasn’t doing anything truly bad online, but he had crossed over into obsession. My husband and I didn’t realize that the YouTube community he was part of was essentially the same as MySpace, and potentially just as dangerous. When I did my little investigation of other kids’ profiles on YouTube, I was shocked and also saddened.
We had a long, emotional talk with him. We explained that those online relationships are not true. We explained, as we have many times before, the danger of internet predators. We explained that a lot of the stuff on YouTube and other social sites is degrading to girls, even if the girls are the ones putting it out there. We’ve had all these talks before, but this time it was more real.
The computers are locked now, with passwords that only my husband and I know. My son knows that it will be a very long time before he uses a computer for anything but schoolwork, and even then only with one of us right by his side. It’s too risky, he’s too vulnerable, and he’s too important to us.
We expected a few rough days after the computers were locked. Some anger, some fits, probably a lot of moodiness. We’ve been surprised. Both of us commented after our talk with him that there was almost a sense of relief on his part. He asked today if I would check his latest video, the one he finished right before we confronted him, and see how many views it had gotten. I said no. I told him he needed to make a clean break, so I wanted to cancel his YouTube account. He agreed.
I think he knew, deep down, that this was getting out of hand. He was becoming obsessed, addicted and couldn’t walk away. Maybe he missed us as much as we missed him.
I’m just glad we got him back.
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27 Responses to “Internet addiction, too close for comfort”
Leave a Reply
b.q. on August 25th, 2008 1:01 pm
wow. Good job, Sheri. Great parenting - pat yourselves on the back. Unfortunately, the internet is a fantastic resource, but holds a fine line between happy & tragic esperiences; especially with our kids.
Sheri on August 25th, 2008 3:45 pm
Thanks for saying that, because it sure didn’t feel like good parenting at the time. It felt more like too little too late, like we should have caught it sooner.
Parenting is like everything else, we learn as we go.
Morgan on August 25th, 2008 4:55 pm
You are such great parents! I can’t imagine what it’s like for kids whose parents don’t know or don’t care. What a blessed boy to have the two of you!
mary on August 26th, 2008 9:03 am
Wow. I am so proud of you and your husband for not only monitoring him and paying attention to how bad it was getting, but for really being strong and putting your foot down. I’m worried for all of the other kids who don’t have such a strong parental unit.
Posting this on Kirtsy…
Sheri on August 26th, 2008 9:17 am
Thank you for the kind words. We’ve seriously been agonizing over this for awhile now, with many sleepless nights spent worrying.
Unfortunately I know so many people, whether they’re too busy or are just not computer savvy, that let their kids on the internet with no limits. We tried to find a middle ground, with the time limits and filters that we had, but kids still can let it take over their lives if you’re not vigilant.
Thank you for the kirtsy! I really think this is something all parents should be thinking about.
Michelle at Scribbit on August 26th, 2008 9:25 am
This is such a perfect reminder about the dangers out there and I have to applaud you and your husband for being wise enough to recognize those warning signs and being brave enough to come between a teen and his computer. That must have been hard but all of you (including your son for being mature enough to accept what you were saying and try to change) did the right thing. Well done!
Helena on August 26th, 2008 10:02 am
Thanks for sharing ! I have a small boy and sometimes I wonder about his will to play ps2 and pc games.
A lesson to look out for them !
b.q. on August 26th, 2008 11:51 am
Hi Sheri - I just wanted to add one thing. By the way - I worked at Juvenile Hall, & heard stories about so-called parents that would turn your stomach. Believe me, you guys are great parents, & your kids will realize that in the future. Anyway, I wanted to put in a word of caution about cell phones. My Girls experienced a lot of students cheating in school by using their cell phones to either text each other , or search the internet for answers. So, I know that with the features now available, the phone devices that used to be a handy way to keep track of our kids, are now as risky in their hands as computers. So, some additional level of monitoring or restrictions on phones is a good idea for parents. Even though schools usually don’t allow cell phone use, there are actually ring tones that adults can’t hear, & all the kids use them. It’s a wacky world to raise kids in!
Colleen on August 26th, 2008 12:27 pm
Sheri, I just read your story and I applaud that you stopped the internet usage from getting out of control, however I have to slightly disagree with you that the online friends are not “real friends”
People can make real friends from people they meet online, from all around the world. One of my best friends just had an online friend stay with them for 2 weeks, and we all had a great time, even though we’d never met him in person before.
I do grant you that 13 year old boys probably shouldn’t base their life on making online friends, so I am glad you keep the internet to a minimum, but keep in mind, not everyone online is a horrible person.
Ames on August 26th, 2008 12:43 pm
I work on an educational cybersecurity game for kids and I have to say that one of the biggest factors in helping kids be safe online is their parents involvement. I commend you for intervening and handling the situation as a parent and setting the boundaries, and I’m very pleased to hear that your son has cooperated. I think you guys are a shining example of good cybersecurity practices.
When he is older he will understand how to have healthy online relationships but see that there is more value in the offline ones. Great job!
Parents against pimps on August 26th, 2008 12:53 pm
Give yourselves a huge pat on the back for saving your son from what could easily have become a huge problem.
Cyberbullying and online grooming is a very real problem,I have lost my daughter because although we spotted the warning signs it was too late and the damage was done so quickly.
Cyberfriends can be genuine but it is very rare,your son may not thank you for your actions now but one day he will understand.
If he is in any doubt get him to watch this video (sorry it is on youtube)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z5WEnqnq1Hk&feature=related
Sheri on August 26th, 2008 12:55 pm
Colleen, I’m glad you mentioned that because I did worry that my post might be misinterpreted. I wasn’t writing about adult online relationships, but strictly from the perspective of the parent of a 13 year old.
I agree that online friends can be wonderful, true friends, of course they can. I’ve met some absolutely incredible people online, and hope to meet many more. I hope my post didn’t indicate that I thought everyone online is a horrible person, because that wasn’t my intent at all.
My point was that for a confused teenager, who is insecure to start with,it’s so easy and tempting to hide from “real life” by being online. That’s what my son was doing. School is hard, navigating those social circles is hard, so he was choosing to avoid it altogether.
It’s hard to figure out who you are, and he needs to do that before he starts making online friends. I’ll be thrilled if he finds great online friends like I have, but when he’s a little older, a little more discerning, and not nearly so vulnerable.
I guess I should have been more clear, that those online friends were not “his” only true friends. Certainly not that you can’t ever have a true relationship with someone you meet online, but for a 13 year old, those online friendships shouldn’t be the only true friends you think you have.
And I wasn’t criticizing those other kids he was chatting with online. I saw nothing to make me think that they are horrible, in fact what I saw was that there are a lot of kids online, looking for friendship. That’s why it made me sad.
I hope that clarifies, I cherish my online friendships and don’t want anyone to misunderstand what I meant.
Steven on August 26th, 2008 4:19 pm
You’ve gotten great comments here. I hope I’m not a rain-maker.
You’re “long emotional talk” sounds more like you telling him what you expect. I’m not convinced it was emotional him, nor that you have him back. Though perhaps it was more than I read about here.
I worked long hours with children with computer addictions and telling them that their relationships are not real is ineffective. They are real for them, some of their best outlets for feeling “heard.” Lacking empathy for his emotional ties does not make them less real.
If your emotional talk got him talking and connecting genuinely with you, then: excellent work. Otherwise, keep it up.
I hope the best for you and your son in this digitized world.
SS
Sheri on August 26th, 2008 4:46 pm
Thanks Steven, I appreciate your input. I actually feel pretty good about the talk we had. First of all, while it started out as just my husband and I talking while he listened, it evolved into him talking, and crying, and explaining why he was “hiding” online, some issues that had come up at school that he hadn’t told us about, and other things.
Second, it’s now turned into an ongoing conversation. I’m alone with him for awhile every day before his brother gets home from school, and we’ve had long talks each day. Starting with the computer issues, but moving on to other issues. My boy was not only not talking to us at all a week ago, but would get furious whenever we tried to start a serious conversation with him about the computer, school, friends, or anything.
It sounds too good to be true, and I’m not saying we’re completely out of the woods yet, but he’s like a different kid now. Sure, he still has the mood swings that come with his age, it’s never going to be all roses. But this has made a huge difference in him, in how he acts, and in his attitude.
Only time will tell, and I know this is only one thing out of the many that we’ll have to deal with as he grows up.
works for me wednesday: keeping kids safe online « yay pie! on August 27th, 2008 5:38 am
[...] at scribbit’s post on Internet Privacy issues and Sheri at Unexpected Bliss’s post on Internet Addiction). And because I’m proud of my work [...]
Lisa on August 27th, 2008 11:57 am
Sheri, I really applaud your efforts to keep track of what your son was doing online and trying to get him to moderate the time he spent online. You know your kids better than I do, but could it be that he’s just a “dabbler”? By that I mean, someone who gets really, really interested in something, to the point of obsession, for a while . . . then drops that and moves on to something else. I was just thinking that he’d only had his own computer for a few months, and so the freedom and excitement were probably still fresh. There’s a good chance that he would have gotten bored with spending so much time online himself before long, and moved on to another hobby. Take it from me, I am queen of the passing obsessions!
mindy on August 28th, 2008 2:56 am
SHERI, I MUST COMMEND YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND FOR TAKING SUCH A INTEREST IN YOUR SON AND WHAT HE’S “INTO” ON THE INTERNET. MY SISTER HAS 3 TEENAGE DAUGHTERS AND LORD KNOWS WHAT THEY GET INTO ON THE COMPUTER. SHE “DOESN’T HAVE THE TIME” TO MONITOR THEM. MY DAUGHTER IS ONLY 5 GOING INTO KINDERGARTEN AND THEY HAD HER USING THE COMPUTER IN PRE-SCHOOL. I REALIZE IT’S ALL MONITORED BUT IT’S JUST SCARY THAT KIDS THAT YOUNG KNOW HOW TO GET ON THE INTERNET. I AGREE WITH EVERYONE AS FAR AS RELATIONSHIPS ON THE INTERNET. TO A YOUNG PERSON, THE INTERNET IS A SUBSTITUTE FOR THE REAL WORLD. YOU CAN BE ANYBODY YOU WANNA BE OR LOOK ANYWAY YOU WANT TO. IT’S DANGEROUS FOR ADULTS BUT I THINK ITS WORSE FOR KIDS. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK AND STICKING TO YOUR GUNS!!
K T Cat on August 29th, 2008 8:45 am
As a dad and someone who is naturally bent towards obsessive interest in whatever sparks me at the moment, I’d have to say that I think this is less about the computer than it is about your boy’s personality. Your post seems to suggest that he’s just the kind of fellow who will focus intently on whatever interests him - a very masculine trait.
Having said that, I think you’re doing the right thing. As parents, we need to guide them even when it’s difficult and keep them from doing unhealthy things whether that’s eating too many red vines, skipping homework assignments or avoiding the real world.
My hat’s off to you.
Stacia on August 29th, 2008 9:16 am
Wow! What an amazing post. Thank you so much for sharing something so personal to you.
Beth - total mom haircut on August 29th, 2008 10:27 am
13 is so, so hard. I can’t imagine going through it with all there is surrounding the internet on top of it. I commend you for standing by what you knew was right. And it’s fascinating that he felt the relief that you described. It sounds like he is mature and wise beyond his years, and in the same way that very young children want their parents to set boundaries, he needed your help in working through this thing that had become too much for him.
Sometimes we get it right | Unexpected Bliss on September 3rd, 2008 11:33 pm
[...] wanted to post an update on the internet situation with my 13 year old son. We had to put passwords on our computers because he was becoming a little obsessed, to put it [...]
Star-chan on September 10th, 2008 7:30 pm
I wish my parents had done that for me. Its gotten so bad for me now that I’m afraid to go outside. Basicly te whole outside world. I have a ton of so called “friends” online. I’m on MySpace, Facebook, bebo, and a lot of other sites as well. I don’t really do anything all day but be on the computer. Its good that you stopped him while you could. I’ve never had the supervision, and have ran into a lot of baad things. I regret it but tis gotten to bad now that I don’t know how to get out of it.
you did the right thing.
Star-chan on September 10th, 2008 7:32 pm
I forgot to mention in my last comment that I truly wish I could just erase everything from the internet, everything that I put on it. I actualy feel like i’m in danger now. Its pretty scary.
Sheri on September 10th, 2008 8:40 pm
Star-chan, I think it’s good that you realize the danger and the problem with isolating yourself on the internet. You can still get out of it, turn off the computer and choose to do other things. It really is like an addiction, so it will be very hard, but please try. It’s made such a difference in my son, in a good way. I wish you the best of luck.
Parental Internet Control on October 24th, 2008 11:54 pm
Hi,
I wish every parent would read your story. It would help them realise the dangers of the internet. It it very important to set limits and keep up with what our kids are doing online.
Having proper filtering and blocking software is good, but it can give a sense of false security. Parents should always keep a tab on what activities their children are participating in.
Sheri on October 27th, 2008 9:25 am
Absolutely! I didn’t realize it at first either, but the blocks and filters just can’t do it all. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but I’m so glad I learned it early on.
Austin on November 11th, 2008 3:49 pm
Hi, i am a 14 year old boy and i have recently been playing video games online and my parents would tell me to get off and i would get moody and in the middle of the night, i would sneak on just to play a little more. In the summer time i sometimes played for 10 hours straight.
My dad tried to keep on telling my that i was spending way to much time on the computer and that i needed to quit. I was just addicted and still am.
A thing on the news was talking about internet addiction and i watched and i realized that all the symtoms in internet addiction; i had everyone of them.
I now realize that i am a internet gaming addict and starting today i am cutting down my time and slowing progressing to quitting my accounts so i can get focused in the real world.
AND; GREAT JOB PARENTING!!! — your kid will be successful in life now =]