Shouldn’t there be an instruction manual for this?

Did I mention that I have a son who just turned 13? I’m sure I’ve mentioned it, at least once or twice.

In case you missed it, we are in the throes of puberty here. And I totally underestimated just how much fun it was going to be! Yes, that was my best effort at sarcasm.

We are all walking on tiptoes around here, never knowing what kind of mood he will be in. When it’s good, it’s ok. When it’s bad, well, you just don’t want to know. Bad can be very, very bad.

I was all geared up for it, I have vivid memories of the rotten teenager I was, so I knew what to expect. What I wasn’t ready for was how it was going to make me feel. His mood swings are nothing compared to mine. One minute I’m furious with him, forcing myself to count to 10 100 before I respond to him. The next minute I’m overcome with sympathy for him, at this age they are so self conscious and so critical of everything about themselves, I just feel so sorry for him.

I’ll admit that I’m tired of tiptoeing around him, so he’s spending more and more time in his room if he doesn’t feel like being nice to his brother. I know it’s hard, I know he’s got this inner turmoil going on and he can’t control a lot of it, but he can make good choices. Choices that include speaking respectfully to his family. He can do that, and if he can’t then we don’t want to hear it.

My heart hurts to hear him talk about his appearance, comparing himself to the tallest, thinnest boy in school and finding himself grotesque in comparison. My boy is tall, and he’s not fat, by a long shot. If you ask me he’s a very nice looking young man. But he hates how he looks, and on particularly bad days he’ll even ask me to not look at him.

This is the part of puberty that I hate the most, the self hatred that my child has all at once developed. No matter how great he is, at so many things, at this age looks matter more the anything. All it takes is one other kid to make any random comment about how he looks, and that comment is seared into his mind and he instantly believes it to be gospel. If I could give him one thing, it would be self confidence.

So my question for you all, will we survive this? Will I survive it? Some days I’m not too sure. I don’t know how to help him through this. I don’t know how to make this any easier, for him or for me.

When my kids were babies and toddlers, my in laws would laugh at me because they’d come over and see books about potty training, books about discipline, books about tantrums. That was my way of coping, searching for answers in books. It was reassuring to just read that my kids were normal, what they were doing was normal, and how I was handling it was normal. But I’m way out of my element here. Normal or not, this is hard.

More and more I feel like I’m failing him, because I don’t know the right things to say, I don’t know the right things to do to help him through this maze of confusion.

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Filed Under Family, Me | 5 Comments

5 Responses to “Shouldn’t there be an instruction manual for this?”

mary

This, by far, is what I dread most about becoming a mom: the teenage years. And I always thought boys would be so much EASIER in this regard, but I guess not. I hope that this “phase” passes quickly for you all.

Sheri

I was really hoping boys would be easier, but I was wrong. I think it’s a tough age for everyone. I know we’ll survive, I just have to vent sometimes.

I also have a 13 year old son, and all I can say is, I’m so sorry for you. My son is such a good boy, but, oh my gosh, hormones have so changed his moods. I just try to remember how sweet he was when he was a baby, you know, when he really loved me. Ok, he still loves me, but it’s hard for him to show it sometimes. Ok, maybe it’s my hormones too! Good luck!

First of all, yes, you will survive it. We all do. In my opinion, you can help him best by just letting him know that you are there for him and then be there when he needs you. Until then, be content to stay in the background. Making things easier for him is not necessarily the best thing we can do as parents. They need to find their own way and sometimes it may mean some hardship. Sometimes, if it’s hard, they will learn better to cope with things later. My last comment is about your husband. Play the tag team. When you are absolutely fed up or at a loss as to what to do, let him try. If he feels the same way at the same time, I would say, back off and let him ride it out.

There comes a wonderful time when eventually, they come back and seemed to need and want us again.

My son will be 19 at the end of October. We survived and I am sure you will too.

Sheri

Oh Bruce, thank you. I really needed to hear that, people actually do make it through this and can smile about it. I appreciate your advice, I know I know I need to let him find his own way. It’s just so hard, very difficult to see him struggling.

Pam, I do that too, I try to remind myself that just a few short year ago he was so happy and content. Amazing how much he has changed. They still love their moms, they just can’t or won’t show it right now. We just have to love them that much more, even when it’s hard. Good luck to you,too.

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