Sep

18

When will I look back and laugh at this?




My sons are 24 months apart. So right when we hit the terrible twos, here came baby. It was crazy, really crazy. We were young, trying to figure out what the heck we were doing and how we were going to make it all work, all the while trying to stay sane. The great thing is, we survived, and I even have fond memories of that time.

I remember being totally worn out, with a very active toddler who was not at all pleased to have someone else getting mommy’s attention. Someone who seemed to either be eating or crying all the time.  And the baby was eating all the time, so there was very little sleeping going on.  One of my husbands aunts came to visit, and she saw right away that I was on the edge of exhaustion. She very gently told me that as hard as it seemed right at that moment, as impossible as it seemed, it would pass by in a heartbeat, and soon I’d be able to laugh about it. And she was right. It passed quickly, I resumed sleeping, and that made a huge improvement in my sanity.

Through all the trials of infant, toddler, child, I tried to remember and hold onto her advice. Whatever stage we’re going through, it will pass. But despite going through all of it, and being able to look back and smile, sometimes even laugh, I have to say one thing.

13 is kicking my butt.

Give me a toddler and an infant anytime, I’ll take them. But 13 is hard, and while small children can be physically and mentally exhausting, teenagers will leave you emotionally spent every single day. Emotionally drained and knowing tomorrow most likely will not be better, not yet.

I took my son to his piano lesson today. He’s been taking lessons for years, at his request. But he’s been slacking off with practice, for a couple of months now. His teacher called me out today, and her first words to me were “I think we’re losing Tanner”. Now I know what she meant, she meant that he’s losing interest in piano. But because of what is on my heart and how we’re struggling with him, I took it with a much deeper meaning. I felt my eyes fill up with tears, which took her by surprise.

She talked a bit more, about how we should deal with this, and when he joined the conversation I had a full blown break down. I couldn’t hold back the tears. I’m not like that, it’s very hard for me to show emotion that way, so it surprised even me.  I had no idea the tears were right there, right under the surface. I had no idea that I’ve been so worried about him, so afraid of losing him myself, that I would fall apart like that.

My son was taken aback too, very much so. He spoke softly and gently to me, asking if I was ok, patting my shoulder on the drive home. I got it together enough to talk to him about why I was crying. I told him that he has so many gifts, so many talents, yet he takes things that happen at school, mean things that other kids say, and makes them his reality, his truth. He believes the hateful words, he feels worthless and ugly.  Because of that, he’s wasting his gifts, wasting his talents. I told him it makes me sad to see this happening, because I know him. I know he’s kind, and funny, and creative, and bright. I just wish he knew it.

I think he heard me, I think he was paying attention. I’ve learned enough to know that our talk isn’t going to make things better overnight.  But I hope he took it to heart.

I’m trying desperately to hold onto those words I heard years ago, that this will pass. And that we’ll be ok. It’s way too early in this game for me to be able to laugh or smile or joke about this though. Because I’m pretty sure that 13 isn’t finished kicking my butt.

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    Filed Under Family, Me, My boys | 13 Comments 

    13 Responses to “When will I look back and laugh at this?”

      1
        mary on September 19th, 2008 8:11 am

        Oh, man, this just breaks my heart. I always assume that the early stages of child-rearing as the most tiring, but I can see how the teen years could be worse.

        Your son sounds like a very caring boy. School is not easy at this age, especially if you’re sensitive like he is. I hope he’s got some friends that he can connect with.

      2
        RobynsOnlineWorld on September 19th, 2008 8:17 am

        I totally understand where you are coming from in this. I agree 13 is VERY hard, much more difficult than anything we dealt with when they were babies and toddlers. Just try to focus on the positive things to see you through it all and keep guiding them along as much as they will let you.

      3
        Susanne on September 19th, 2008 12:11 pm

        This is my first visit to your blog, and this post had me welling up right along with you.

        It’s funny how sometimes (when we need it?) people’s words can have that double entendre without meaning to and open the floodgates.

        Your son sounds like a great kid, so I’m grateful you got to have that talk with him.

        As you know already, it all works out for the best.

        Thanks for the great post. I’ve subscribed to your feed.

      4
        Sheri on September 19th, 2008 1:47 pm

        Thank you Susanne, for those kind words. I know it will work out, just probably not as quickly as I’d like it too.

        Robyn, I’m relieved to hear that I’m not the only mom that thinks 13 is so hard. I think maybe it’s easier to talk about things like potty training than it is to talk about this age.

        Mary, you’re right, those early years are very tiring. This is just a different kind of exhausting, a whole different set of worries. I wish he wasn’t so sensitive, that would help alot. We’re working on that, like everything else.

      5
        Lis Garrett on September 20th, 2008 2:41 pm

        ah . . . . :-(

        Even though I don’t know you . . . HUGS.

      6
        Kate on September 20th, 2008 9:10 pm

        Oh – I hear this all the time. My kids are all still so young, and more experienced mothers will listen to my complaints and then say, “yeah – just wait until they become teenagers.” I’m sure I’ll go through similar things with my oldest. I’ll be in touch then – and hopefully you can tell me that it will all be okay…eventually.

      7
        Sheri on September 21st, 2008 4:31 pm

        Oh Lis, thank you. That’s so kind. And just what I need right now!

        Kate, I know it’s hard to believe when they’re little, but it’s so true. I’d trade this for temper tantrums anyday. But I know it will get better, just not today, which is what I’d prefer.

      8
        Veggie Mom on September 22nd, 2008 1:49 pm

        The time flies by soooooooo fast! We just became “Empty Nesters,” and while it’s cliche, my Hubz and I are wondering where the time went. Enjoy the good, the bad and the ugly, ’cause it won’t be around forever! BTW, got a Great New Giveaway going on over at my place, to commemorate my 100th post–please stop by!

      9
        Marina John on October 27th, 2008 10:54 am

        gosh you hit the nail precisely….I know what u mean….but God gives us grace…its hard tho

      10
        karissa on October 27th, 2008 2:31 pm

        always keep in mind, it is harder on them. be patient. sounds like he is a good kid! and sounds like you have a great family!

      11
        Qtpies7 on October 27th, 2008 11:45 pm

        I’ve been there, and am there now. 13 just plain stinks. To be 13 or to parent it.
        It DOES get better, but it may get worse first. Hold on, don’t let go, and you will get there. I am just finally seeing the light with two of my boys, one is 19 and the other is 15. And I have a 13 year old boy. It isn’t fun. I’d much rather the toddlers all over again. Because when you fall into bed exhausted, you can sleep. Not so with teens.
        You will laugh about it one day. When he has teens, lol.

      12
      13
        JenniferR on January 27th, 2009 3:32 pm

        12 is kicking my butt right now…I also have an 18 year old. It will get better – promise!

        I found that the ages 3 and 11 were the worst of all…with both of my kids – UGH.

        They really are wearing us out mentally!

        Hang in there!