Nov

17

Giving thanks




I just got back from a whirlwind trip to Kansas, to be with my mom while my dad had surgery.  He has an aneurysm on his aorta, which is scary enough, but even scarier since he managed to postpone the surgery for 5 months longer than his doctor recommended.   He has had 3 heart bypass surgeries, and he was scared that he wouldn’t make it through another major surgery.  They were able to do this one laparoscopically, and it was a success.

I’m finding myself in that sandwich generation, or at least headed in that direction.  My kids still need me, and my parents will soon need more help from me.  I know alot of people my age, or close to it, are finding themselves in the same place.  What makes this harder for me is that I’m not very close to my parents.

I could write a book on the reasons why I’m not close to them, but that’s not a book I would want to read, so I won’t go into detail.  There’s been years of hurt and anger and bitterness, and in the past 2 years the wounds have been reopened, at least my wounds have.  As far as they know, those chapters are long closed.   Since I am almost 40, and try to deal with things like a grown up most of the time, I plan on letting the past stay in the past.

Just because I don’t want to rehash everything with my parents doesn’t mean that I have an easy time putting my hurt feelings aside.  I don’t, and I hate myself for it.  Holding onto grudges, or letting new, petty things hurt me makes me feel ugly.  As much as I want to hold onto my anger, and I really want to, I don’t like how it makes me feel.

I posted about how great I felt after helping a family that I don’t even know.  My heart soared, my spirit felt lighter, it was such a great thing.  But when my family needs me, I get all grinchy.  I don’t want to help, because after all we’ve been through, I feel like I don’t owe them anything.  And maybe I don’t.  But that doesn’t really jive with how I felt about helping complete strangers, even when it wasn’t convenient for me.

I can’t have it both ways.  I can’t believe with all my heart that we are called to help, to be kind and to love, yet at the same time, put up a brick wall when it comes to helping my own parents.  Even though they’ve hurt me.  Especially when I know, deep down in my grinch heart, that my parents do love me.  There are families that have caused each other pain beyond repair, hurts beyond forgiveness.   That’s not my situation.  It’s more years of little hurts and rejections that I’ve allowed to form into a huge pile of crap that I refuse to throw away.   

I can’t forget the past.  I’m not sure I can completely forgive either.  But I also can’t tell 2 elderly people, who for all intents and purposes don’t have anyone else to ask for help, that I won’t be there.  I can’t stay away when my dad is having potentially life threatening surgery.  I couldn’t live with myself if I did.

Maybe I’m growing up a little, if so, I guess it’s about time.  Whatever the reason, I’ve accepted that no matter what is lurking in the past,  I have to move beyond it.  I just can’t reconcile holding grudges with the kind, giving person that I really want to be. 

It’s been an emotional day.  I’m happy to be home safe and sound, and I’m feeling very thankful tonight, for lots of things. 

 

This post was entered in Scribbit’s November Write Away Contest.

Post to Twitter Tweet This Post

  • More fun summer giveaways
  • Saturday link love and more giveaways
  • Saturday link love – more giveaways


    • Add to Technorati Favorites
    New here? Subscribe to Unexpected Bliss or have it delivered via email. add to kirtsy


    Filed Under Me | 2 Comments 

    2 Responses to “Giving thanks”

      1
      2
        Greta on November 18th, 2008 4:53 pm

        Wow, sounds hard.

        I think having a kid now makes me feel like if there is something bothering you, your parents would want to hear it. Is there any room for that? I mean, not to fight with them or blame them, but to get it out in the open?

        I guess also though, if you feel like it’s not worth the relationship you don’t really have to go through all of that…it’s a hard situation.

        BTW, Sark is one of my grandmother’s faves! Saw it on your sidebar…

        Greta