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Jan
12
It’s official. I am finally the kind of mom I never thought I’d be, or never thought I’d have to be. I’m a mean mom.
You might be a mean mom like me if you do some or all of these things:
1. You set totally unreasonable rules for cell phone usage, such as no texting between the hours of 8pm and 8am. Or no texting during family dinners - what was I thinking?? Then, when your kid refuses to abide by those rules -because he mistakenly thought they were optional - you do the unthinkable and turn off his texting.
2. You expect your teenager to answer you every time you ask them a question, and a grunt won’t cut it. You take it even further into the torture realm by making them stop texting and look at you when you speak to them. Torture!
3. You refuse to do your kids laundry every night, so that he can wear his favorite jeans and hoodie every single day. Again you push the boundaries by expecting him to do his own laundry.
4. You have the audacity to expect to talk to the parents of your sons friends, when he wants to go to a party at someones house that you don’t know. When your kid doesn’t want you to call his friends parents, you helpfully offer to walk him up to their door and meet the parents at the party. Which essentially forces your child to miss the party, to avoid such public humiliation. And you don’t even feel the slightest bit bad about it.
5. You don’t even have the self-control not to laugh when your 13 year old declares that he is a man now, he can make his own rules.
6. You commit the unforgivable offense of approaching your teenager when he is at his band concert, with his friends around. At least I had the good sense to slowly back away when I saw the shocked and disgusted look on my sons face. In the future, I will pretend that I do not know him in public.
7. You find yourself saying “Because I said so” or “I don’t care what your friends are allowed to do” on a daily basis. Or more.
I never thought the day would come when I would feel so challenged as a parent. Having a teenager has made me into someone who strongly resembles, well, a mean mom. I can’ t even say that I’m like my parents. My parents were not strict, and they mainly believed in letting me make my own mistakes and hopefully I’d learn from them. I made a long list of mistakes, and I eventually did learn from my mistakes, but I was lucky. It could easily have gone in another direction.
And that was 15 20 ok 25 years ago when I was a teenager. I lived in a tiny town, and it was inherently safer to let me live and learn back then. I don’t think I have that luxury these days, and that’s not how I want to parent anyway. He’s going to have to do it my way, follow my rules and suffer through it.
I know it’ s no consolation to my son, but I am suffering right along with him. I hate that this seems like such an adversarial relationship a lot of the time. Not all the time, he has his good days moments when I can see the boy I love through the cloud of puberty. I know he will eventually stop thinking that I am Attila the Hun. But for now, I kind of am.
Any other mean moms out there?
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10 Responses to “Breaking all the parenting rules”
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Katherine owlfan on January 12th, 2009 4:14 pm
Oh yeah, I’m another mean mom. I won’t even let my 7th grader get a cell phone. And even when he does, I’ll be expecting him to pay for it (maybe we’ll put the $5/month on there, but no more).
My son seems mystified nightly that we won’t allow him to read or listen/watch his iPod at dinner.
I can’t imagine not talking to the parents! I want to talk to the parents of any kid I don’t know before the kid comes to MY house.
Sheri on January 12th, 2009 4:43 pm
We only let him get a cell phone because he can pay for it himself with money he earns in the summer, and because when he went to band camp I wanted him to have a way to reach his friends if he got separated from them. But we made it clear that even though he pays for it, we technically still “own” the phone, and control it. He didn’t touch it for months but once school started the texting is out of control. I absolutely hate it, and I refuse to fight about it so when he didn’t stick to the rules, he lost it.
I’m the same way about talking the parents before he goes anywhere or the kids come here. I was willing to just make a phone call, but I think he finally decided that he didn’t really want to go to this particular party anyway. That is a non-negotiable rule though, so he better get used to it.
Becky Grayson on January 12th, 2009 4:53 pm
I really wish I could say it gets easier but that doesn’t usually happen until their senior year. I will say our youngest was much easier through this stage but I think he saw all of the tears I cried because of our oldest and decided to have pity on me.
Stick to your guns but also let him know that no matter what he does you will always love him - maybe not his decisions or actions - but your love for him will never waiver.
Our oldest son is now a father of four. His youngest daughter will be his payback. She is full of spitfire and she is only 2 1/2 LOL. He has told me many times thank you for being as diligent as I was.
I won’t lie to you it really was the toughest years of my life. I said many prayers during that time. Hugs to you.
Selene on January 12th, 2009 5:20 pm
Please don’t become your son’s friend. Stay in your role as parent. If more parents had the guts to say “no”, “do this”, “help out” and other such radical phrases, this world would have a more promising future.
I think you’re doing a great job!! And one day, he’ll think so, too.
Maggie M on January 12th, 2009 6:09 pm
I was fortunate, my son was never a problem…well, he did do 1 or 2 things after graduating high school that scared the shit out of me, but all in all, as a teenager, he was a dream to raise. Cell phones, Ipods and texting weren’t even issues back then. I was not very strict but I was involved and kept a close eye on him and he knew it. His friends always came to our house to hang out and I liked them all. I know you want to just throw up right about now, but it’s true. It’s much harder raising kids today. There are too many distractions, gadgets galore and advertisers encouraging kids to break all the rules. I think you are doing the right things. There have to be rules. Kids need discipline and guidance, so keep up the good work. And, remember, you’ll get your revenge when he has his own kids! LOL!
maggie@mannwieler.com
punkinmama on January 15th, 2009 4:24 pm
My son’s only 2, but I hope to be a mean mom like you! I know I won’t enjoy the phase of him not wanting to be seen with me in public, etc., but someday, hopefully, he’ll look back and realize how lucky he was to have a mom like me!
Fearless Mom on January 16th, 2009 3:54 pm
I’m mean because I limit Reader Rabbit time.
Sue S. on January 18th, 2009 8:53 pm
Don’t worry about it,hon. I know I’m doing my job when my 15 year old teenage son is really mad at me and can’t stand being in the same room as I am. Oh well. I’m not here to be his friend. I’m here to protect him, even if all the kids are piling into one car and heading to the mall….
Sheri on January 19th, 2009 8:21 pm
Apparently we are doing a great job, because he is furious with us and doesn’t want to talk to us at all. He wanted to see a movie with a friend, just the two of them. We would have agreed to a matinee, but not the particular movie that they wanted to see. He says we’re treating him like a baby and hasn’t spoke to us all day. This wasn’t hard though, I’m not going to compromise what I know is the right thing to do, and this was an easy call.
Thanks for all the encouragement, I know I will continue to need it because this won’t get easier anytime soon.
Michelle on January 26th, 2009 8:20 pm
I am a “mean” mom and I don’t even have a teenager yet! I don’t let me kids play their DS, Wii, computer, or watch TV all day. How mean!