Apr

20

I’m becoming my mother




If I had a dollar for every time I said “I don’t care what your friends parents let them do”  I would be so rich.  And that is just for this weekend!  It’s official, I’m repeating the things my parents said to me that I swore I’d never say to my kids.

Apparently I am so backward, I have no clue how the “real world” lives.  I was not aware that 7th graders date and go to the movies with their “girlfriends”.  Or that they are allowed to wander the town for hours at a time without their parents knowing for sure where they are.   Did you all know that?  I am behind I guess.

I trust my son, I even trust his friends.  But why put them in a situation that tests them when their hormones are going wild?  I have given in and let my son go to the movies with groups of friends.  I consider a group to be more than 2 girls and 2 boys, though.  2 girls and 2 boys is a double date, or at least it was back in the dark ages when I was young.

My son is one of the oldest in 7th grade, if not the oldest.  Both my boys have June birthdays, and we waited until they were 6 to start kindergarten.  So he’s almost 14, but most of his friends are barely turning 13 and many are still 12.  When I was 12 my mom would have laughed for days at the thought of letting me go to the movies with two guys and another girl.  I know I’m showing myself for the old fashioned mom that I am, but is it wrong to make them wait?  I stand by the notion that if they are allowed to do this  now, at 13, what do they look forward to at 14, 15 and 16? 

My son takes it so personally, because as one of the oldest in his group, he hates being the most restricted.  He hates it, but he also knows deep down we are right.  He’s pretty open with me and I’m very open with him, no subject is off limits for conversation.  He has a 12 year old friend who is constantly with his 12 year old girlfriend.  I’ve seen their myspace and facebook pages, and the way they toss around “I love you”.  I was talking to Tanner and told him, you do know that you are not “in love” with anyone.  He laughed and said that’s just how they talk, but his friend does think its true love.  I have told him before and I said it again, you are not the same person now that you will be when you’re 17, or 20, or 25.  And neither are your friends.  You all have so much growing up to do, and in a few  years you probably won’t be friends with most of these kids, and certainly not still “in love” with the same girl.  He knows this, and he believes it, but there’s also the very strong pressure to go along with the crowd.  That’s what I worry about.

A big part of our weekend was spent talking to our son and setting down rules.  I said “I don’t care what ______  parents let him do” so many times I lost count.  In fact, I said it so often that after while Tanner would say “but ______ gets to” and I’d just give him a look and he’d say “I know, you don’t care”.  And I didn’t just say that I don’t care, I explained that I’m not responsible for his friends, but I am responsible for him and I do care about him.

 I’ll be honest, this is so different from when I was a kid.  At 12 I still wanted to hang out just with my girlfriends and talk about boys, but I had no desire to go on a date, even a double date.  Growing up in a tiny town, I was sheltered and pretty innocent, so my experiences are worlds apart from my childrens.  

I dont know if I really have a big problem with 2 guys and 2 girls going to the movies.  They also wanted to walk to the park afterward and basically roam around for a couple of hours unsupervised and we wouldn’t know where they were.  One of those things where they might wander, they might go to someones house, but they didn’t want to tell anyone where they’d be.  I do have a problem with that and I told my son he is welcome to have that same group over to our house for movie night any time he wants to.  In fact I would welcome them here, all the time. 

So how do you handle the D word? At what age do you or will you let your kids date?  Will you or would you drive your 12/13 year old to the theatre with their “date” and pick them up afterward?  I ask that because I know some of my sons friends have done that.  My son has never asked and I don’t think he’d want that, but you never know.  What are your dating guidlines and limits for your kids? 

 

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    Filed Under Family | 10 Comments 

    10 Responses to “I’m becoming my mother”

      1
        Becca on April 20th, 2009 8:19 pm

        I’m 25, not a parent yet, and can’t believe what kids these days get away with. I have to think parents are just naive and don’t pay attention to what is going on. I work at a school so I deal with 12 and 13 year olds all the time. Most of them have cell phones so their parents are in constant contact with them, even tho they are out alone. I see both sides…

      2
        MIkki on April 20th, 2009 9:53 pm

        Wow. If I felt better I would post a lot of stuff here. The D word doesn’t come up much in our house beyond – we don’t do D thing.. LOL.
        I have two teenage girls who are totally fine with not D. I know some of it has to do with how we raised them, but I know GOD has done a work in their hearts too.

        Do you have any good books you have read with them on this? Ones that share your same view? Joshua Harris books – I Kissed Dating Goodbye – Heather Paulson has a great one – when my girls read books from grounded Christians who are understand what they are going through.. it has helped a lot.

        Hope that helps some. Will be praying for you.

      3
        Lori Z. on April 20th, 2009 11:14 pm

        Fourteen years ago I had my first “date”. I was 11 and his dad drove us an hour to San Francisco to see the Phantom of the Opera. The dad dropped us off at the theater and picked us up there. It was fun and completely innocent.

        I kissed a boy at thirteen. My husband and I have been together since we were 17. We were married at 19. We still graduated college and got my teaching credential even though I had my daughter at 21. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with young relationships, they just need to be well monitored/supported at home.

        I don’t think there was ever a time where my parents didn’t know where I was. I don’t think there will ever be a time where I let my kids go off on their own and I wouldn’t know where they were.

      4
        Karen L on April 21st, 2009 4:22 am

        I really think that kids grow up much too quickly these days. There is such an emphasis on dating and a push for kids to have a girlfriend/boyfriend…even in elementary school. My kids are adults now, but I can still remember having to try to slow them down and resist the peer pressure!

      5
        Sheri on April 21st, 2009 7:27 am

        I have my son a great book a year or so ago, Preparing Your Son for Every Mans Battle, Honest Conversations About Sexual Integrity, which address behavior and peer pressure about sex from a Christian perspective. Mikki, I will also get those other books you mentioned. I don’t think he can ever have too much information about it. I appreciate your prayers, I find these days that most of mine are asking for strength as a mom!

        We’ve had so many conversations about that, so I trust that he knows how we feel and right from wrong. And he’s told me before that because of all the talks and because of how we are as a family, he’s accepted that he’s a “prude”, lol. But I think putting a kid in a dating situation at a young age, even a kid well educated and prepared, is just making it harder on them to do the right thing. I know they have to face peer pressure and temptation but I’m not sure 14 is the age for it, at least not as far as dating goes.

        As far as taking them on a date, I don’t think we’ll be doing that. I welcome any of my sons friends to our home, including girls, and would let stay out of their way for the most part if they came here to watch movies or eat pizza.

        My son has told me before that life would be much easier if his dad and I didn’t care so much, in a joking but kind of true way. We’ve given him the knowledge and have raised him to make the right choices, but he struggles with the right choices when so many others are happily making the wrong ones with little or no supervision. So that’s where I come in, by setting rules I take away some of the choice so he doesn’t have to make them, at least not all the time.

        I agree that there is a huge push for dating and finding a girlfriend/boyfriend at a much younger age than when I was a teen. They are growing up much too quickly and I’m trying my best to slow it down!

      6
        Kimberly on April 21st, 2009 9:45 am

        I didn’t want to date at that age either! But I did want to have some freedom, and to know that my parents trusted me. My parents’ rule was that I could go places, but I had to tell them where I was going and what I was doing, and what time I had to be back home was whatever was reasonable for what I was going to do.

        I’m not sure that “love” at 14 isn’t an important thing to experience. It’s part of how you grow to understand what being in love is about, part of how you integrate that into your life, and when it ends that’s its own kind of lesson.

        There’s plenty to look forward to at 14, 15, 16 that has nothing to do with dating or being allowed to go out on dates.

      7
        Jennifer on April 21st, 2009 5:52 pm

        Good blog post! My boys are older, we talked a lot of about dating, since there were 5th graders “dating”. Worse, IMO, their parents thought it cute. My oldest hangs out with his friends. When it comes to the Homecoming dance they go an huge group (which I think is very cool) Usually they are all runners (my sons run cross country). He has no desire to date, but at least here, dating is not the “in” thing right now. My twins are in 8th grade and MS is different, yet there is no dating (for my guys). I also do not allow them to have MySpace of FB pages. I do know where my kids are, I trust them, but I also know how peer pressure is. I was not allowed to date until I was 16, so that is what we figured we would do here. So far, it has ben a non-issue. However we do communicate quite often with the boys about girls, dating, etc.
        I hope this makes sense I was interrupted too many times to count.
        Oh, I have uttered the phrase, “I do not care what others do” more times then I can remember.
        A few commented on some excellent books. :)

      8
        Sharla on April 21st, 2009 8:23 pm

        You go girl! It is so refreshing to hear that there are parents out there that still have some common sense with their teenagers! You stick to your guns! My 8 year old already knows he can’t date until he’s 16.

      9
        Kasey on April 22nd, 2009 8:01 am

        I don’t know how I would feel about it if it were time for me to deal with that issue. I know what I *think* I would think, but I imagine it’s different depending on circumstances.

      10
        Jenn Bo on April 22nd, 2009 6:12 pm

        My parents must have been old-fashioned. No dating until I was 16 which was torture because I didn’t turn 16 until my junior year. My mother also seemed to have wacky rationale for group outtings (yes to the football game, but no to the stomp (after game dance)- but only for this week because next week yes to the stomp). I’m sure she had her reasons but consistency would have been preferred.

        At ages before 16, it would depend on the child and their circle of friends. Criteria I would look for:
        – Shows history of good decision making
        – Dates are with a group (6 or more)
        – Date activity is at a public event (movie theater, school dance, etc.)
        – Date activity would have good adult supervison
        (movie night at someones house only if I know the parents and believe their values are similar to mine)

        As for what age before 16? 14 minimum – probably 8th grade or even 9th grade.