Parenting dilemma – what would you do?

You would think that at forty years old and with two kids, I would at least be able to pretend that I have all the answers. Ha! Not even close. There are situations that come up from time to time and I have no clue how to handle them. I know what I want to do, but I don’t know what is the best way to go about it. So, I’m asking you for advice.

I’ll call this dilemma, The Uninvited Guest. Do you ever invite one of your child’s friends over and the friend shows up with their little brother or sister? Or it’s just taken for granted that the little sibling is welcome at birthday parties or any other activity? This happens all the time, and I’d love to know how you all handle this.

I’m pretty easy going, so my tendency is to just let the younger sibling stay and play. Most of the time, this works out okay. But when the younger one is several years younger than either of my kids, it gets awkward, because then it’s more like babysitting. I don’t want to plan a fun get together for my kid and his friend only to insist that they include a much younger brother in their fun. But it has happened that way, and it’s no fun for any of us. On the flip side, I would never send either of my kids to tag along with their brother to a friends house or party when they weren’t invited.

I have tried using my child as an excuse, saying “Nolan wants to know if Mark can come over”. I specifically do not mention the younger brother. Sometimes that works, sometimes they still show up together and sometimes I get asked, can little brother come too. Which puts me in an awkward position, because all of my reasons for saying No don’t sound too nice when I say them out loud.

So tell me, am I wrong to not want younger siblings to come over without being invited? Maybe I am the stick in the mud and need to get over that. If I’m not wrong, and it’s perfectly okay to expect the invited guest to show up by himself, then how do you handle this situation?

Because I’m a worrier by nature, you know this kind of thing has kept me up at night and caused me severe stress. I never want to hurt any feelings. Advice, please! And thanks!

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Filed Under Family, confessions, parenting dilemma | 9 Comments

9 Responses to “Parenting dilemma – what would you do?”

Robyns Online World

We had this issue when Taylor was a bit younger, but as he has gotten older it is no longer an issue.

It wasn’t a huge problem for us because the kids generally had to be home in a relatively short period of time. I think you are right that it shouldn’t be a given that they tag along and the parents get free babysitting though – what is with some people?

When inviting the child, I would tell the Mother that you’d like to invite the one child because your child wants to just play with him. Maybe another time you’ll ask for both boys.
It’s not mean – what is mean is that the mother assumes you’ll be ok with taking both kids.

Sheri

Robyn, it’s the same with us, we don’t have that problem with our older son’s friends anymore. It’s some of Nolan’s friends that still have pretty young brothers that want to tag along. As the mom of two kids, I understand completely that the mom might want both of her kids out of the house at the same time, but when the kids are not close in age, it’s not fun for the older ones at all and its awkward for me.

Thanks for the suggestion Clenna, I will try that. I’m trying to come up with better ways to get the message across so hopefully that will work better. I need to be less of a pushover too!

Becca

I don’t think parents should expect you to always open the invitation up to younger siblings. Someone said above that maybe the parent wants both kids out…the parent needs to set up two playdates then. I have always believed in only going somewhere when invited.

Dddiva

We used to get this a lot and I finally had to learn to stand up for myself. If it was not convenient I made sure to let the other parents know.
If we were the ones doing the inviting, we would say something like Kyra wants to know if Anna can come over and play (whatever) usually something not appropriate for the younger child and most times the parents got it – if they didn’t I would just say I have things I need to get done and the girls won’t be able to watch the little one, if you need Anna to watch her siblings, she’ll have to come play another time.
I tried to make sure my girls knew they were allowed to do things without their siblings, but sometimes the kids like to all play together, so make sure that’s not the case then do whatever you need to do.
Unless you are charging for daycare, it is your right.

Sheri

Ok, I’m not feeling like a meany anymore I was more assertive yesterday and specifically invited the older brother only. At that point the younger child came out and asked if he could come too, and I just said Nolan wants to play with your brother today, but maybe we’ll have you over another time. It was actually easier telling the child that directly than trying to get the point across to a parent, lol.

Thanks again!

Wow, I so feel like the odd man out! I have four children (17, 11, 5 & 3) and I have NEVER come across this issue. If we invite someone over we only get that person and if one of mine are invited over only that one goes. With 3 other siblings all of my children need a break every once in a while and that is how I look at it.

As far as birthday parties go I generally invite the whole family so that is not usually a problem. For our latest birthday this past June we went to Build a Bear so that was a little different and we only took who we had invited, but the issue of siblings tagging along never even came up. I even had a parent send money to help defray the cost of the party! I feel so blessed!!

Sheri

Terri-Anne, you are fortunate. We’ve had this issue come up all the time, not just with play dates either. Even at baseball games, when the kids were smaller parents would bring snacks for the players after the game and the siblings who did not play would line up for a snack too. Which is fine, if the person who brought the snacks brought enough. Same thing with birthday parties, I’ve always sent out invitations to the children we were inviting, but I can’t think of a time when at least one sibling didn’t tag along. One parent even dropped off a little sister for a laser tag party, and she was too young to play laser tag, so I had to sit with her while the others played. I don’t let my kids do that either, but it happens a lot.

We did run into this issue a lot when my kids were younger. My son had quite a few friends that had a sister the same age as my daughter. Some of these parents would just send the second child along and others would have the boy ask a rhetorical “my sister is coming to play with your sister too, right?”.

I’ll never forget one family though. My son always seemed to have one friend that he’d hang around with for the summer. The next summer, it’d be someone new. He had become good pals with a boy who also had a sister my daughter’s age. The two had come over to play with my two many times before my daughter admitted that she really didn’t like the other girl – and would prefer not to play with her; as she was bossy, messy, and a tad loud for my daughter. The next time that this family called to invite both of my children over, we simply said that my son could come but my daughter had something to do that day. When the boy reported this back to his mother, she made him call back and uninvite my son – apparently their friendship was a package deal. My son begged my daughter to come, just so that he could play with his friend, but after a few bouts with this – she refused. I couldn’t blame her. My son made a new ‘best pal’ for the summer.

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