Aug

22

Where are the children




I apologize for the novel and the heavy topic, but this has been on my mind for a few days. Thanks for sticking around til the end.

My youngest son is twelve, and he just started sixth grade. There are a lot of changes from elementary school to sixth grade.  In my town, there are several elementary schools, then all the kids come together in the sixth grade center.  The school seems huge compared to the school he went to last year.  Now they change classrooms every hour, instead of staying in the same room all day.  More rules, regulations, procedures and work.

Oh, and more random drug testing.  For the eleven and twelve year olds.

Is this only shocking to me? Is it only heartbreaking to me?

We went to the Meet the Teacher night on Thursday, and one of the teachers was talking about Odyssey of the Mind and the Robotics Club.  As an aside, she mentioned that every student who participates in an extracurricular activity will need a permission slip signed for random drug testing. She explained that because athletes are required to submit to random drug tests, some parents of the athletes complained that the policy should apply to all extracurricular activities.

She also said that they are starting in the sixth grade because last year a seventh grader failed the drug test.

We live in the suburbs.  There is a church on every corner, and the public school system is one of the best in the area.  I’m not saying bad things don’t happen in every neighborhood or town, but this is still shocking to me.

I don’t have anything against random drug testing. My problem with the policy is that they should just make it school wide, instead of only the kids who participate in extracurricular activities. But this post isn’t really about the school policy.

My question, and this is what keeps me from being able to type this without the tears coming, is WHY is this even necessary? 

I’ve said several times over the past few years how much easier things are now that my kids are getting older and more independent.  Babies, toddlers and preschoolers are all so high maintenance.  They are a lot of work and require constant vigilance.  Now that my kids are older, they require a lot less hands on monitoring and guidance.

Wrong.

Teenagers and preteenagers need more guidance, monitoring and vigilance than any toddler.  They are more independent, but that just means parents have to be more watchful.

When are the eleven, twelve and thirteen year olds doing drugs?  Where are they?  When are they alone with friends long enough for this happen? Where are their parents?

I am not a popular mom these days.  It recently hit me like a ton of bricks that just because my kids have never been in trouble, it doesn’t mean that trouble won’t hit at any time.  At this age, they can make one wrong turn and it will change their lives.

In just the past few months, I have shown up at the local movie theatre and pulled my kid out of the movie.  There was no great crime committed, he just didn’t have permission to be there, and he needed to learn a lesson.  My husband has shown up at the park and picked my son up, again because he hadn’t gotten permission first.  When I call my son, he answers no matter what he is doing, because I have tracked him down when he didn’t answer my call before. 

None of that was fun.  I trust my son, I trust that we’ve given him a solid foundation and knowledge of right and wrong. I know that he is a good boy.  But I truly believe that they are all good, even the ones that fail the drug tests.

They are trying to figure out who they are, separate from their parents. They are just trying to find their way, so they follow their friends.  They follow kids whose parents turn them loose on a Saturday morning and don’t expect them home until it’s dark.  They follow kids whose parents are gone all day, so the kids do whatever they want and have whoever they want over.  They follow kids whose parents don’t ask where they’re going when they walk out the door.

I know there are kids who never have any problems. They do well in school, never get in trouble and never take a wrong turn. I hope my kids are like that. But I can’t close my eyes, cross my fingers and hope for the best. Too much is at stake. 

No one in my town seems to be talking about this, and if they do talk about it, they shrug their shoulders and say kids will be kids.

  • Drug testing.
  • Locker searches.
  • Adult volunteers monitoring the local theatre on weekend nights to try to prevent the rampant sexual activity – by kids who are too young to drive.
  • The principal having an assembly to tell the eleven and twelve year old girls that they can’t wear shirts that show cleavage. 

Seriously, is that kids being kids? I don’t know how we can pretend that any of that is part of a normal, typical childhood.

It isn’t kids being kids. They are trying to find their way, and no one is guiding them.  

When I have brought this up with other parents, there is a lot of head shaking and comments that kids are just out of control these days.

Out of control kids. That makes my head spin. The kids should never be in control. I don’t care how mature and responsible your kid might be, they should never be in control.  That’s our job. We keep them safe, we keep them on the right path, and we need to be in control. 

Let’s be real honest about where the blame lies in all of this. If the children are out of control, we let them get out of control. If sixth grade girls are wearing shirts that show cleavage, someone bought them that shirt and let them wear it. If twelve, thirteen and fourteen year olds are having oral sex in the movie theatre, someone drove them to the theatre and dropped them off.

I have no idea how things got to this point, but somehow things have gotten way off track. We can discuss and debate why and how, and I would love to hear your thoughts on it.  But this is where we are, so what can we do to make it better?

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    Filed Under Family, My boys, parenting | 8 Comments 

    8 Responses to “Where are the children”

      1
        Selene M. on August 22nd, 2009 7:14 pm

        Good for you. Your standards are a welcome oasis in today’s discipline-free, never say no society. It seems that most parents today want to be their child’s friend, not his/her parent.
        My fifth child is now in college, so I’ve been where you are. It’s never easy until they’re adults and completely on their own. But when they come back to you and tell you they now understand why you said no, why there were rules, and thank you for having had policies and expectations in place, that’s priceless!
        Keep up the good work!!

      2
        Leanne on August 23rd, 2009 2:20 pm

        Wow, this really hit home with me today. I have two girls, 15 and 12, and they need me now more than ever. It’s a constant balancing act – giving them bits of freedom but keeping watch on the choices they make at the same time and helping them correct mistakes. My 15 year-old starts high school this year, and she’s already heard about “the drunk girl” who was a sophomore last year. Where are the parents? Thanks for a great blog entry! Sometimes it really helps to know there are other parents out there who think like we do…

      3
        Sheri on August 23rd, 2009 4:17 pm

        Thank you both for the encouragement. It would be so much easier to just be their friend and let them go, but I really think that’s a lot of the problem.

        Leanne, I wish you and your daughter luck as she starts high school. Even the kids that are fine, that make it through school with no problems, they are affected by this too. We can’t go to the movies on the weekend because of everything that goes on there. We have to explain to our 12 year old that he might have to pee in a cup. I know that he will hear and see things in sixth grade that I probably didn’t learn until much later. I hate to see them grow up way too soon, but that’s the environment they’re in.

        It is reassuring to hear from parents that think the same way, so thank you.

      4
        Robyns Online World on August 23rd, 2009 5:18 pm

        You hit the nail on the head – where are the parents? That is the biggest problem I think – too many parents are not being parents. It is our job to be the rule makers, but even little kids these days are the boss in their families – it is just crazy!

        My son thinks I am overprotective, that I never let him do anything, that I am the meanest mom ever on many occasions. I try very hard to be fair with him and understand that he does have to spread his wings a little and he does have to make his own mistakes occasionally. However, at only 14 I still have control. Along with the rules we explain why we have those rules and we talk to him about sex, drugs, drinking, etc. We let him know our feelings about these things, we try to role play a bit or give scenarios where he can practice saying no in a way that he still feels cool about it.

        I think it is the parents who worry the most that are actually the best parents. We are thinking about all of these things and taking actions as they fit our kids.

        Hang in there and know that there are lots of us out there who are equally heartbroken that kids grow up to fast and what a hard job it is to be a parent these days!

      5
        K. on August 23rd, 2009 10:03 pm

        Our local high school just decided to implement random drug testing to all students. It had already been a part of the athletic teams. Then the argument was what about kids who are in clubs / organizations, so they started testing them too. Then those parents argued that the kids not participating in anything are probably even more likely to be using something, so now everyone is fair game. I agree with you though, I’m not really against it. If they’re going to do it, it ought to be fair.

        Anyway. I thought that was bad enough.. but middle school? Gosh. In middle school I was too busy playing board games with my friends to be doing drugs.

      6
        Zen Mama Wannabe on September 13th, 2009 9:11 pm

        I think it is SO awesome that you pulled your son out of a movie! Wow. I hope I can be that kind of parent when my kids are in middle school. Sure sounds like you are on the right track! (although so scary to hear about the other stuff! What is happening to us??)

      7
        Sheri on September 14th, 2009 9:11 am

        @Zen Mama Wannabee You know, several people have told me that I “rock” for doing that! My husbands coworkers were very impressed, lol. It was so hard though, because I’m not used to being tough. But we have to.

      8