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Oct
28
My kids Crack.Me.Up. Even if I try very hard to not laugh, I still crack up. Nolan said this a few days ago and I am still laughing, so I have to share it. Keep in mind that this conversation came out of nowhere, during dinner.
Nolan: Do they neuter the animals in the zoo?
Me: I don’t think so, but why would you ask about that? (cause I want to know the thought process that led to this question!)
Nolan: Well, I just wondered, because the zookeeper probably doesn’t want the animals entertaining themselves in front of the little kids at the zoo.
Silence all around the dinner table. Until I cracked up. Who is that kid and what goes on in his brain?
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Oct
25
Some great things I’ve read recently:
Suburban Turmoil - Balance Don’t we all need some of that?
Visual Thoughts – absolutely gorgeous fall photography by D L Ennis
Defensor Veritatis – Encountering Christ: The Homeless a beautiful random act of kindness
Simply Recipes - Quesadilla Pie recipe This was a huge hit with my family and very easy. I made two, one followed the recipe closely and the other I made with just chicken and cheese, for my pickier eater with an aversion to spicy food. Both were a success!
Enjoy, and have a wonderful weekend!
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Oct
20
I spent four hours at the hospital today, having a nuclear stress test. For those of you lucky enough to be uninitiated in those kinds of things, a stress test is when you walk/run on a treadmill until your heart rate is elevated to some predetermined point based on your age, and while you are doing that you’re hooked up to an EKG machine and blood pressure machine. The machines are spitting out papers and graphs documenting how your heart reacts to the stress. The nuclear part is because before and after the treadmill test they injected me with radioactive stuff and did a scan of my heart while resting and again after almost dying exercising on the treadmill. I know, you are so completely jealous of me!
I was such a good girl, I was completely honest when they were asking me questions. When they asked if I exercised regularly or was a couch potato, I resisted my urge to tell them that my tennis shoes are ten years old, do I look like I exercise regularly, and just said couch potato. When I finished the treadmill test, the nurse said, well now you’ve got your exercising done for the day, I again resisted my urge to say “you mean for the month”!
I am hugely relieved to have it done, even though I won’t get results for a few days. I asked the nurse if the EKG showed any red flags, and she said no. I asked if that typically correlated with the scan and she said she couldn’t say yes or no on that, it can go either way. The scan just shows so much more than the EKG, so that is the definitive test. So I wait. But I am calmer about it now that the test is over, and calm is definitely a plus when trying to keep your blood pressure down.
I appreciate the comments and emails with kind words, that really means a lot to me. I have not been close to my family in the past, but as I get older, I’m finding mending bridges much easier than burning them, and I have managed to let go of a lot of resentment towards my family. With this health scare, I have wanted nothing more than to call my mom and spill it all. But I can’t. Mended bridges or not, my parents are elderly and are not in the best of health. My mom hasn’t been well for awhile, and she recently had to make her own trip to the ER. I cannot lay this on her, not now and maybe not ever. And as much as I love my husband, he is not a nurse or a nurturer. He tries, and he is worried about me, but he handles stress like a fly hovering over his lunch; he just swats it away and goes on eating like it was never there. He cannot wallow in stress or whatever caused it, he has to go on with a smile and act like nothing is wrong. That is how he copes. I cope, or don’t cope, by wallowing. Rolling in my problems, moaning and groaning and insisting that life is doomed. (I heard you say drama queen!) But I can’t look to him for coddling or babying. Is it wrong to need that sometimes?
I’m going to baby myself for awhile. Healthy eating, taking walks, and resting are on my agenda for the next few days. When I get the test results later this week I want to be ready to do whatever I need to do, whether that is sigh with relief or get ready to kick it in gear and conquer this thing.
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Oct
19
Isnt it funny how quickly things can change? Maybe funny isnt the right word.
I haven’t been feeling well for a little over a week. My son had swine flu and while I knew I didn’t have it, I thought it was maybe just a cold or exhaustion from taking care of a sick kid. Either way, I had recently started some medication that my ob-gyn prescribed, and I was wondering if the medication was part of the problem. I started calling her last Monday, but she wasn’t in the office one day, was doing ob stuff another, and didn’t call me back. By Wednesday, I was feeling pretty bad. No major symptoms, just headache, stomach ache and overall cruddy feeling. But Wednesday was definitely worse, so I went to the pharmacy and checked my blood pressure. I’m not sure why I did that, because I haven’t had a bp problem before. But Wednesday it was 168/102, which registered as dangerously high on the bp machine.
I called my primary care doctor, of course he is not in the office on Wednesdays, but the receptionist asked another doctor who said I should go to the ER. I did, but by the time the triage nurse looked at me, my bp had either dropped or the machine at the pharmacy wasnt accurate. It was down to 149/94, which is still high but the nurse said it would be hours before a doctor could see me in the ER so in her opinion, it would be fine to go home and see my doctor in his office on Thursday. So I did.
Thursday I got the only open appointment with my doctor, at 4pm. I felt okay during the day. It was fall break so my kids were home, I took them for haircuts and to Target, and I wasn’t feeling too bad.
My bp was up to 160/94 at my doctors office. That wasn’t his main concern though, he was primarily worried about the fact that my father had his first heart attack when he was 36 years old. I am 40. So my doctor did an EKG, and wasn’t happy with the results. By then it was almost 5pm, and in the small suburban hospital connected to my doctors office, they only do heart stress tests on Tuesday and Thursday. He wanted to admit me right then, because he thought if he did that, there was a chance they would still do the stress test. No guarantee though, and he could tell I didn’t want to be admitted with my kids home and husband working late. He said if it was life and death, he would not give me a choice, but in this case, it was up to me. I chose to schedule the test as an outpatient. He did start me on blood pressure medication and told me if I started feeling worse to go to the ER.
The irony of all this is that we want my blood pressure to come down, but doctors and EKGs and blood tests only get me so worried that my bp stays up. I spent the weekend resting for the most part, and by Saturday the medication was working - my bp was down to 139/84. Much better.
The bigger concern is the possibility of some heart blockage, which is why I am scheduled for a nuclear stress test tomorrow at 7am. When I think about the test and the possible outcomes, I can almost feel my blood pressure rising. I can deal with medication and taking it easy and making any necessary lifestyle changes. I cannot deal with serious heart problems.
Part of me is really pissed off that this is happening to me. I am 40 years young. I don’t smoke, don’t drink and have recently lost weight. Why is this happening now! But on the other hand, a lot of this is genetic, and I have horrible family health history, especially with heart disease. I don’t exercise, and I do have a lot of stress in my life and don’t deal with it well at all.
There is also the part of me that wants to curl up with a blanket until the doctors make me better, and the part of me that wants to be a fighter and conquer this. All that is going on in my head, and most of it is unsaid, because I’m not going to scare my family and kids. I am afraid of the test tomorrow, but I need the test to be done, I need to know what I am facing.
I am praying and hoping that maybe the medication I just started is part of the problem with the blood pressure, and that we can adjust it and that will improve. I am praying with all my might that there is no underlying heart problem. Please hope for that with me, pray for that with me.
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Oct
14
As an added bonus for my loyal blog readers (yes plural!) I’m going to start sharing words of wisdom that my kids so willingly share with me. I know that this stuff is so valuable I should charge for it, but I’m going to share it for free. Write this down people, because you’ll probably never hear it anywhere else.
This is a conversation I had with my 14 year old last night. Background info: he does his own laundry, not because he is so helpful that way, but because mom got tired of the daily laundry requests.
Tanner: Is it too late to do a load of laundry? I need to wash whites.
Mom: I guess not, but don’t just throw in yours, throw in all the whites in the hamper.
Tanner (after finding very few whites in the hamper): Do these gray shorts count as white? (the shorts are white and light gray)
Mom: yes
Tanner (back with a few more things): Do these black jeans count as white?
Mom: shocked silence, absolutely nothing to say to that. He was actually waiting for the answer though, so I eventually had to get up off the floor, stop laughing, and explain that NO, black does not count as white.
Don’t you wish you lived at my house? The hilarity never stops. Just do not let my son do your laundry.
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Oct
13
Why is it that many days I still feel like the goofy junior kid with braces and glasses, tripping over my own feet? Maybe because I am that kid, at least in my mind, and I project that persona to everyone else. How do I get out of that rut?
My husband and youngest son are overflowing with self confidence. They have no doubts about their abilities and are not concerned at all if someone doesn’t like them or how they do things. I am so glad that at least one of my kids has that inborn self confidence. My other son, not so much. He’s like me, and we were born doubting ourselves and looking to others for affirmation that we are worthy. Or not. And that is a sucky way to live.
Many of my personality quirks drive my husband crazy, but the self confidence issue is a big one, because its so contrary to his nature. He doesn’t understand it. At times, he’s gotten downright angry over it, and rightfully so. What really makes him mad is that I don’t just lack self confidence, I have a tendency to want to make sure everyone around me knows that there is a good chance I will fail at anything I try to do. I downplay or don’t mention any accomplishments or successes, either mine or my kids.
For years I told myself, and him, that I just never want people to think I’m bragging. Which is fine and good, but at some point, if you never tell people about the great things your kids are doing, your kids will stop thinking that anything they do is great. I tend to go too far in that direction. So no one will ever accuse me of bragging, but they also won’t realize that my kids are astonishingly smart and creative guys (like all children, yes). I will not hesitate to tell anyone about a bad grade my kid got, but you’ll never hear about how well he did when he took the practice ACT in the seventh grade. In fact, you’ll never know he took it, because mama won’t mention that. That’s not fair to my kids, and I am trying to get better about acknowledging their achievements, because I am very proud of them and never ever want them to think I’m not.
If I downplay my kids gifts, I bury my own. No one that I know in real life knows about this blog. No one, not even my mom. Weird, right? No one besides my husband knows that I am rocking graduate school (omg, did I just write that obnoxious sentence, what a bragger). I knew I would, I love school and was so ready to go back. Is it wrong to say outloud -I am doing good at school? Very few people know I am in school at all, and many people would probably be surprised that I’m in grad school because they never knew I went to college. I rarely talk about my life.
I’m breaking all kinds of personal rules here today, by talking about my issues and my achievements. I keep so many things to myself, I actually had a friend get upset with me once because I didn’t tell her something that was going on in my life. I didn’t mean to keep it a secret, I just avoid talking about me. She rightfully was hurt, because as she said, she tells me everything. I tell very little; I’m a great listener and a naturally quiet person, but there comes a point when that is not an acceptable excuse.
Lately my lack of self esteem has been the root of some discussions – not arguments, just discussions with my husband again. I recently lost quite a bit of weight. Well, not recently, because its been a long process, but its finally enough that its noticeable. I am thrilled to no end about this, for obvious reasons but also because I was starting to feel 60 instead of my young age of 40. My husband is thrilled and my kids have noticed and commented. But no one else has noticed, or if they have, no one has said anything. I don’t want compliments, with my esteem issues that would send me into hiding, but you would think someone would notice. Especially those relatives who always manage to notice and comment on any weight gain. But nothing.
My husband explained to me that no one will notice because while I have lost the weight, I have not made any changes in how I dress. I was forced to buy smaller pants, because mine were literally falling off. For years my wardrobe has consisted of baggy sweatshirts, baggy sweaters, baggy t-shirts. Key word, baggy – the bigger the better. And I’m still wearing those same clothes, not because they look good, not because they fit, but because its what I’ve done for years and its what I am comfortable with. I’m not a psychologist, but I think this is a key point - I am very comfortable with not being noticed, in fact, I try to avoid being noticed. Yet I wonder why no one notices I’m smaller??
I really need to work on this. I annoy myself with it, because at 40, its time to stand up and be proud of myself. Instead I am the queen of deprecating remarks. If someone mentions grad school, I laugh and say something about how lucky I’ll be to make it through. If someone says something nice about my kids, I’ll be sure to point out some of their bad behavior. If someone says I look nice (gasp), I’ll point out my gray hairs. I refuse to just accept compliments with a simple thank you. It’s almost like I want to convince whoever gave me the compliment that they are mistaken, I’ve done nothing good at all. What is it with me?
I don’t know the answer to any of this, because its how I’ve been all my life. I want better for my sons, and even though my oldest is very much like me, he has enough of his dad in him that he is not as bad as I am. And my younger son has confidence to spare. If I could just take some of his.
Everyone is making “life lists”, things they want to accomplish in their lifetime. Honestly, sometimes I have trouble seeing past this week, but I do know that I would like to have some self esteem, some self pride, and not always downplay the things I am good at. Does anyone else have this same issue? How do I get better?
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Oct
8
The flu made it through, despite my best efforts. I took Nolan to the doctor this morning and its definitely swine flu. I don’t know whats wrong with me, I feel horrible with headache and body aches, but no cough or fever – yet. So we are resting and hoping the other guys don’t get it.
The nice thing about sick days is that it is perfectly acceptable to lay around in pajamas all day. I like that part, but I don’t like worrying about my kiddos getting sicker. And my husband and oldest son are healthy, so I’ve been doing some cooking and sanitizing the house so hopefully they stay healthy.
I am not a great cook or a very ambitious one, but I have a few favorite recipes that my family loves. Today I made Taco Soup, which my husband thinks is heaven on earth. Yes, we are simple folk 
Here’s the recipe, its quick and easy and cheap, if you like that kind of thing. I’m not anal about following recipes, so I use what I have on hand.
Taco Soup
1-2 pounds ground beef (optional, I’ve always added it)
2 (15 1/2 oz) cans pinto beans
1 (15 1/2 oz) can kidney beans
1 (15 1/4 oz) can whole kernel corn, drained
1 (14 1/2 oz) can Mexican-style stewed tomatoes
1 (14 1/2 oz) can diced tomatoes ( I usually use 2 cans, love tomatoes)
1 (14 1/2 oz) can Rotel
1 (4 1/2 oz) can diced green chilies
1 package taco seasoning mix
1 package ranch dressing mix
1 can or bottle of beer (optional, but this is the magic ingredient, I always add it)
Brown ground beef, drain. Put the meat and all other ingredients in a large crockpot, stir. Cook on low 6-8 hours. I serve with shredded cheese and tortilla chips.
The couch is calling my name, gotta go do some more resting.
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Oct
7
I made it through my mammogram and ultrasound this morning – for those of you hesitating to get a mammogram, Just Do It!
But now, something even more dreaded than a mammogram is trying to infiltrate my home. The Flu. Or some other- but just as evil- illness. I am not letting that sucker in here.
My poor son came home from school today and promptly put on thermal underwear, 2 pairs of pants and 2 sweatshirts. He was freezing and burning up and coughing. I’ve been feeling cruddy all day too, in fact I pulled myself away from the computer and actually rested on the couch all afternoon. (hi couch, nice to meet ya. Now I know why you’re so popular. I may have to visit more often).
I refuse to get sick. Will.Not.Get.Sick. Who has time for that anyway? I’m going to go ahead and refuse to let my kids get sick, too. I will not tolerate this! Surely if I blog about it, it must be true, right?
Are your kids sick? Are you sick? Or just getting over being sick? I’m being more than my usual worry wart these days. Last week a local teenager started having flu like symptoms on Tuesday; he died on Thursday. So to say I am worried about my family getting sick is a bit of an understatement.
Repeat after me: We Will Not Get Sick.
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Oct
6
I have mentioned here before that I avoid going to the doctor. Not for any specific reason, I have never had a bad experience or anything like that. Just the usual no time, no money, no time type of reasons excuses. With two kids and 40 years of experience, I am pretty good at knowing when my kids need to see a doctor or if its “just a cold”. I refuse to use that intuition for my own health though, and most of the time I have waited to go to the doctor, it has been for something that absolutely needed a doctor visit.
A couple years ago I started getting odd sores on my body. I ignored them, but my husband noticed and freaked out. A few days after he first saw it, he came in my office and said there was a news show about MRSA and the picture they showed looked like what was on my leg. Pshh. But when the sore didn’t heal and more showed up, I grudgingly went to the doctor. Yep, MRSA. Antiobiotics and done, except for the one that had gone from sore to major infection and needed what felt like minor surgery to improve. If I see those sores again, I don’t wait, I call my doctor.
For about the past year, I have been SUFFERING every month, which I know many women do, but its worse than it has ever been. I walk bent over for 4 days out of the month. I can’t leave the house because what used to take 6 days is now crammed into 3, and I learned the hard way that accidents happen, even to a 40 year old woman who should be a pro at this. So in other words, not fun.
In all my wisdom, I put off seeing my doctor, chalking it up to being 40 and my body getting older. My friends and mom got tired of telling me it wasn’t normal, but I kept putting it off. I can’t even tell you why, there is just no reason.
What finally pushed me into making the doctor appointment is that along with all the pain, my periods starting coming closer together. I could no longer predict within a day or two when it would happen, and instead of every 4 weeks, we went to every 3 weeks. At that point, I made the doctor appointment.
Easy fix, I got some major pain pills and some other medication, and this week has been so much better. I have to go back for an ultrasound tomorrow, just to make sure there isn’t some other underlying problem, and since I’ll be at the hospital for that, I’ll have a mammogram too.
My point isn’t to share my intimate health problems with the internet, but to demonstrate how silly stupid it was of me to wait to see my doctor. Months of misery, for nothing. I’m sure that in the dark recesses of my mind, I was afraid of the doctor finding something seriously wrong. But using that as a reason to put off going to the doctor is warped logic.
I was terrified when I had my first mammogram last year. Terrified of the excruciating pain I was sure I would have. It was nothing, very easy and no pain at all. And the relief when its done, that is huge.
So just do it. Whatever health issues have been bothering you, call your doctor. Have that mammogram. And if you don’t have insurance or if you aren’t 40 and your insurance won’t cover it yet, but you feel like you want one, call you doctor anyway. One of our local radio stations is taking donations so that they can donate free mammograms for women without insurance, and that’s just one example. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. It really is the least selfish thing you can do, because a lot of people need us to be healthy.
If there are any guys reading this, encourage your wife/girlfriend/sister/mom/friend to take care of themself and get that mammogram and yearly exam. Sometimes we can be a little stubborn and might need that little push, but we’re worth it Women too, encourage everyone you know to just get it done.
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Oct
5
Thanks to all of your great suggestions, I now have a long list of movies for our family movie nights. Of course, when we got to the movie store, none of the ones I had chosen for this past weekend were there. So what did my kids pick? Monsters vs. Aliens, which was very funny. My kids are all about wanting to watch “grown-up” movies, but yesterday Cars and The Incredibles were on TV, and you would have thought my kids had never seen them, they were so excited to watch them. Ok, so I was excited too. Those are classics!
There is still time to enter to win 1 of 2 Amazon $100 gift cards. Keep the movie recommendations coming!
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My boys
Where did those little guys go?Cuteness overload
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