Oct

13

Where can I buy some confidence?




Why is it that many days I still feel like the goofy junior kid with braces and glasses, tripping over my own feet?  Maybe because I am that kid, at least in my mind, and I project that persona to everyone else.  How do I get out of that rut?

My husband and youngest son are overflowing with self confidence.  They have no doubts about their abilities and are not concerned at all if someone doesn’t like them or how they do things.  I am so glad that at least one of my kids has that inborn self confidence.  My other son, not so much.  He’s like me, and we were born doubting ourselves and looking to others for affirmation that we are worthy. Or not.  And that is a sucky way to live.

Many of my personality quirks drive my husband crazy, but the self confidence issue is a big one, because its so contrary to his nature.  He doesn’t understand it. At times, he’s gotten downright angry over it, and rightfully so.  What really makes him mad is that I don’t just lack self confidence, I have a tendency to want to make sure everyone around me knows that there is a good chance I will fail at anything I try to do.  I downplay or don’t mention any accomplishments or successes, either mine or my kids.

For years I told myself, and him, that I just never want people to think I’m bragging.  Which is fine and good, but at some point, if you never tell people about the great things your kids are doing, your kids will stop thinking that anything they do is great.  I tend to go too far in that direction.  So no one will ever accuse me of bragging, but they also won’t realize that my kids are astonishingly smart and creative guys (like all children, yes).  I will not hesitate to tell anyone about a bad grade my kid got, but you’ll never hear about how well he did when he took the practice ACT in the seventh grade.  In fact,  you’ll never know he took it, because mama won’t mention that. That’s not fair to my kids, and I am trying to get better about acknowledging their achievements, because I am very proud of them and never ever want them to think I’m not.

If I downplay my kids gifts, I bury my own.  No one that I know in real life knows about this blog.  No one, not even my mom.  Weird, right? No one besides my husband knows that I am rocking graduate school (omg, did I just write that obnoxious sentence, what a bragger).  I knew I would, I love school and was so ready to go back.  Is it wrong to say outloud -I am doing good at school?  Very few people know I am in school at all, and many people would probably be surprised that I’m in grad school because they never knew I went to college.  I rarely talk about my life.

I’m breaking all kinds of personal rules here today, by talking about my issues and my achievements.  I keep so many things to myself, I actually had a friend get upset with me once because I didn’t tell her something that was going on in my life.  I didn’t mean to keep it a secret, I just avoid talking about me.  She rightfully was hurt, because as she said, she tells me everything.  I tell very little; I’m a great listener and a naturally quiet person, but there comes a point when that is not an acceptable excuse.

Lately my lack of self esteem has been the root of some discussions – not arguments, just discussions with my husband again.  I recently lost quite a bit of weight.  Well, not recently, because its been a long process, but its finally enough that its noticeable.  I am thrilled to no end about this, for obvious reasons but also because I was starting to feel 60 instead of my young age of 40.  My husband is thrilled and my kids have noticed and commented.  But no one else has noticed, or if they have, no one has said anything.  I don’t want compliments, with my esteem issues that would send me into hiding, but you would think someone would notice.  Especially those relatives who always manage to notice and comment on any weight gain. But nothing.

My husband explained to me that no one will notice because while I have lost the weight, I have not made any changes in how I dress.  I was forced to buy smaller pants, because mine were literally falling off.  For years my wardrobe has consisted of baggy sweatshirts, baggy sweaters, baggy t-shirts.  Key word, baggy – the bigger the better.  And I’m still wearing those same clothes, not because they look good, not because they fit, but because its what I’ve done for years and its what I am comfortable with. I’m not a psychologist, but I think this is a key point - I am very comfortable with not being noticed, in fact, I try to avoid being noticed.   Yet I wonder why no one notices I’m smaller?? 

I really need to work on this.  I annoy myself with it, because at 40, its time to stand up and be proud of myself.  Instead I am the queen of deprecating remarks.  If someone mentions grad school, I laugh and say something about how lucky I’ll be to make it through.  If someone says something nice about my kids, I’ll be sure to point out some of their bad behavior.  If someone says I look nice (gasp), I’ll point out my gray hairs.  I refuse to just accept compliments with a simple thank you.  It’s almost like I want to convince whoever gave me the compliment that they are mistaken, I’ve done nothing good at all.  What is it with me?

I don’t know the answer to any of this, because its how I’ve been all my life.  I want better for my sons, and even though my oldest is very much like me, he has enough of his dad in him that he is not as bad as I am.  And my younger son has confidence to spare.  If I could just take some of his.

Everyone is making “life lists”, things they want to accomplish in their lifetime.  Honestly, sometimes I have trouble seeing past this week, but I do know that I would like to have some self esteem, some self pride, and not always downplay the things I am good at.  Does anyone else have this same issue?  How do I get better?

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    Filed Under Me, confessions | 4 Comments 

    4 Responses to “Where can I buy some confidence?”

      1
        Lori Z. on October 13th, 2009 10:54 pm

        I have a problem where I brag about my kids, but it’s more so to compensate for my personal lack of self confidence. Lately, I’ve noticed that I, too, will point out some fault when someone is complimenting them as a way of being humble. But I worry that it’s really just demeaning my kids. A “thank you” is so hard!

        Enough commiserating. Let us know your tricks once you figure it out!

      2
        Sheri on October 14th, 2009 9:13 am

        I know the grass is always greener, but I really think its better to brag than to do like I do. I am getting better, but I used to not only never mention the things they are good at, but go so far as to only mention the things that annoyed me. My husband would get furious with me for that, because I’d do it with relatives who never saw our kids, which makes them think we have lazy, bratty kids. Its a fine line, because all kids are wonderful in their way, and all kids have things that could be improved :) I just need to balance what I say, because I do want to celebrate their achievements and my achievements. And gripe when I am mad, of course!

        I don’t know if I will ever figure it out, but I am trying to do better. That is something, though.

      3
        Joshua on February 13th, 2010 7:57 am

        I am a 28 yr old graphic designer, writer and illustrator, and sometimes I too would love to have the confidence take over the world. I am still working on all of it tho. I randomly came across your site after I googled: “where can i buy confidence” – Seems as though we are like-minded people. In fact, when I was reading your entry, everything you do, I can do better. LOL. Whenever somebody mentions the good, I like to point out the bad. I don’t know why I do this. I also have a child and I do exactly what you do. Never do I praise him in front of people, but I will point out the negatives.

        Somebody once told me that I should never snort cocaine, because based on how I am (constantly deprecating myself) I would love it too much. That explains why there are a lot of people out in the world who snort and do drugs. It empowers them and/or lets them escape.

        I think the reason we do what we do is because we are too hard on ourselves. Our expectations were set very high and when we didn’t reach these high standards and we believed we could’ve done better, we debased ourselves. After that, we never seem to fully recover and the guilt and shame lingers. Past failures and how we felt during rough patches in our lives have a lasting effect. We’re still in this phase of low esteem, low confidence we experienced as children and we need to overcome this. We feel unworthy.

        I too feel like that little short kid, and all that baggage of low confidence that I carried back then, I still shoulder now.

        Another thing…seems like I’m always looking to “make things better” and that I am never truly happy. Maybe we are shattered perfectionists. I constantly believe and tell myself “One day, when I perfect my craft, I will show the world who I am” but being a perfectionist makes it hard for me to ever get out there. I find my work can always be better.

        How did your parents raise you? How are your siblings like?

        A lot of it stems from how we are raised, a good parent will nurture confidence in a child especially during periods when they need it most.

        I think the reason we point out the negatives when we receive compliments is not only because we are trying to be humble, but we are trying to empower the person making the compliment. Its as though, we feel they need to know that we’re not perfect (again the lingering shame and guilt from childhood) Its like we want them to walk away with little or no expectations of who we are and what we can do. That way we have no pressure or don’t have to live up to anything.

        But I truly believe once I am able to overcome all this, things will be incredible. Sometimes I feel like I’m just waiting to erupt? That something big is gonna happen, things will get better because in my mind they can get better. Unfortunately, this makes it hard for me to smell the flowers.

        It was good finding this entry of yours as it has given me insight into how I am and why I am the way I am. Now I will make a conscious effort to accept a compliment. Because I think…accepting compliments is the first step in building our confidence and self esteem.

        Anyways, nice running into your site. Take care!

      4