Mar

18

Adventures in parenting – haircuts and letting go




Bear with me; this post is really not about hairstyles.

When my oldest son was in 7th grade last year, he started growing his hair out. Last summer, he dyed his almost shoulder length hair black. I didn’t have a problem with the longer hair. The black  hair took some getting used to, but he’s had it that way for so long now, we’re all used to it.

He’s taken a lot of flack about his hair, from family, teachers and strangers. We’ve had lots of talks about the choices we make, all through life, and how others react to those choices. Its actually been a good learning experience for all of us.

A few weeks ago, he started talking about getting  his hair cut short. I didn’t take him too seriously, because he changes his mind all the time. But he kept bringing it up, so we talked about it. I said he could do whatever he wanted, but that I would go shorter gradually, so it wasn’t a huge change all at once. We tried to make the appointment for this week, since it is spring break, but the girl that cuts his hair and the girl that cuts mine were both out of town. He didn’t want to wait, so he got the name of someone else from a friend.

As a woman with decades of experience with bad haircuts, I didn’t want him to get a major haircut from someone new, but he really wanted it done this week. Against my better judgment, I made the appointment.

He got it cut today. He had a picture of what he wanted, and he told me he didn’t want me coming back to talk to the stylist like I normally do; he wanted to show her the picture and talk to her himself. Again against my better judgment, I agreed and stayed in my chair when she came to get him.

I was only a few feet away from them, so I watched him get his hair cut. I saw him show her the picture and heard what he said about keeping it slightly longer than the picture.

Imagine how you might feel if you went to get a manicure and instead of trimming your nails, the manicurist just clipped off your finger. Okay, that might be a bit dramatic. But when I saw the stylist chop off his bangs much shorter than the picture and shorter than anyone would probably ever want, my stomach lurched. I almost started hyperventilating. This was going to end badly.

I was frantically texting my husband that I was about to be ill but didn’t know what to do. He calmly responded that I needed to stay positive. I knew that, and I don’t think my son ever saw my distress. I watched carefully for his reaction. He was turned away from the mirror for most of the cut, and when he finally saw it, he didn’t really react at all.

I wanted to step in many times, but once part of it was cut, there wasn’t much I could do. It had to be evened out.

If I had eaten, I probably would have thrown up, which is how I feel when I get horrible haircuts that bear no resemblance to any picture or description I gave. But I have never made such a drastic change as he made today. I’ve worn my hair pretty much the same for years, and the worst haircuts usually involve too many or too short layers, or too short bangs. For me, it comes down customer service; I hate paying for something that is pretty much the opposite of what I asked for. But for my son, it became a huge emotional issue to me.  He was making a drastic change, and it would been nice to have it turn out at least close to how he wanted it.

When we left, I was almost afraid to say anything. I did tell him I liked it, which was not a lie because I was thrilled to see his handsome face after having it covered with long hair for so long. He said he liked it too, but that it was a big change.

And that was it. He was fine. I heard him tell my husband that it was shorter than he wanted, but that it would grow. (That was after I privately told my husband that I was a horrible mom for letting  him go to that new stylist and for not talking to her beforehand and clarifying what he wanted.)

A little later, he came to me and said that it really doesn’t look anything like the picture. I agreed with him, and said that we would not have that girl cut his hair again. He actually defended her then, saying it still looks ok. I agreed with that too. There was no drama, no hyperventilating on his part, nothing. Just acceptance that things don’t always turn out exactly like you want.

Clearly, my almost 15 year old son is much more mature than I am. Why is this such a big deal, you might be asking :)   Because if this had happened a year ago, we both would have been hyperventilating over a haircut gone wrong. For days.

He has grown up a lot in the past year. Last year was consumed with worrying about what other kids thought and said. Last year he was desperate to fit in, even if that  meant wearing his hair like pretty much every other kid in school. This year, he is able to do what he wants and not worry about looking – or being – different. That is a huge step.

I’m still fighting the urge to keep kicking myself for making the appointment in the first place and for not stepping in at the salon to make sure he got what he wanted. But what he really wanted was to manage this situation himself. He was ok with going to a new stylist, even though I expressed my doubts about it; he was ok with talking to her himself, and he is ok with the results not being absolutely perfect.

I am learning to follow his lead, which means letting go a little at a time. Not sure if I’m ready for that, but for some reason, no one has asked me if I’m ready for my boy to grow up. He just is.

Now if I can just learn to react as calmly when my own hair gets butchered, I’ll be in good shape.

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    Filed Under Family, Me, My boys, adventures in parenting, parenting | 2 Comments 

    2 Responses to “Adventures in parenting – haircuts and letting go”

      1
        Robyn's Online World on March 19th, 2010 8:49 pm

        I feel your pain totally! It is SO hard to let go and let them take on some of these tasks. You did great that you didn’t let him see you sweat and let him take care of it all. Brava!

      2
        Sheri on March 20th, 2010 12:36 pm

        Thanks Robyn. It is hard, I am still trying to “let it go”, lol. But he is fine, no big deal to him and I think he’s just happy that he got to do it his way, which included living with the results.

        Although I am thinking that this whole situation might have been different with a daughter, because my mom reminded me of the many meltdowns I had after getting a bad haircut :) Or maybe thats just me.