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May
1
Recently I asked a question in a Blog Frog community about what brings you back to blogs. What makes you “like” a blog enough to read it again and again. The overwhelming majority, okay all, the answers stated that authenticity is the most important thing. Honesty.
That is scary for me. I’ve closed off a big part of my life to almost everyone except my husband. I keep my hurts to myself. I pretend. Is that dishonest? I don’t think it’s dishonest, but it’s certainly not authentic.
It’s dark today. Outside and in my heart. Probably darker in my heart. I’m hoping that by writing and letting some of the darkness out, I’ll make room for some sunshine. This is me at my most honest and authentic.
I love following the comments I get and finding new blogs to read that way. This morning I found Fearing We’ll Out Sin Grace on Stuff Christians Like from another blogger’s Saturday Stumble list. It would have been on my list of Must Reads if I had found it in time. Do you ever read something and find yourself asking, do they know me, were they writing about me? That’s what happened this morning when I read that.
I believe in a kind, loving God. I don’t think He is a punishing God. But can we go too far, ask too much, “out sin” His grace?
I think I’m a good person. I try to be kind and polite and helpful. I’d help more if I could, and I look forward to the day when I can. But I’m a little fish. I’m not a big player, I can’t change the world or make people’s lives better.
I have read a lot of books by Norman Vincent Peale about the power of positive thinking. I do believe that your attitude helps to determine your path. But I also have a hard time believing that positive thinking can improve every situation. Take that a step further, and I sometimes have a hard time believing that prayer will help my situation.
Positive thinking helps the thinker focus on the positive. Which helps keep you from falling into an abyss of darkness, and that is good. Being in that abyss doesn’t help anyone, and too often I get stuck there.
There are usually two ways that something can go. A health problem could be big or small. A necessary repair could be minor or major. A needed medication could be covered by insurance or not. A crisis could be averted or full blown. Positive thinking really can’t change any of those outcomes. I have tried the positive thinking route, but still the health problems have been big, the necessary repairs have been major, the medications haven’t been covered, and the crisis has not been averted. I couldn’t and can’t change that with my attitude.
I wonder sometimes if God ~ who I know loves me ~ might just have my calls on mute, so to speak. A small fish with insignificant problems, especially when I know so many others are struggling and suffering right now. I know my life isn’t remarkable, the things I have gone through and am going through aren’t remarkable. It’s just life. How much can I ask Him for? How many times can I cry out for help? How many miracles can I ask for?
When I get stuck in this dark abyss, I stop asking Him for help. I stop hoping, trusting, and believing. I stop having faith. Not because I don’t have faith in His goodness, but because I stop believing that I am worthy of goodness or grace. I give up, not on Him, but on me. I give up on the idea that I deserve for good things to happen to me. I give up on positive thoughts.
It’s dark today in my heart. In the dark of night I heard a knock, and even though I know better, I opened the door to worry, hopelessness, fear, and despair. I let them in, and they are working hard to take down any hope and faith that I had.
I have gotten some heartfelt emails from readers who are in their own dark abyss right now, and I just wanted to throw it out here that I love getting those emails. We all have struggles, and while I know I won’t have any answers for anyone, I am more than happy to pray for you and hold onto hope for you. Sometimes sharing your burdens helps a lot, so please email me at unexpectedblissmail at gmail dot com if you want to share or just ask for a prayer. I can do that.
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4 Responses to “In the darkest corner of my soul”
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Andrea on May 1st, 2010 6:36 pm
Oh sweetie, I know exactly how you feel, I’m sure most everyone feels this way a few times in their life at least but some of us struggle with it more than others. If you need anything feel free to email me. You can read about how I’ve learned to get through it at my other blog depressiongift.blogspot.com Let me help, I’ve got a great ear for listening, a comforting shoulder to cry on and loads of empathy.
Sheri on May 1st, 2010 9:58 pm
Thank you Andrea. Listening and comforting is a great gift, and it does help.
A new beginning | Unexpected Bliss on May 3rd, 2010 11:43 am
[...] In the darkest corner of my soul [...]
Joy on May 11th, 2010 8:13 pm
I can relate.
I love authenticity too. Thanks for writing more about that inner self. It IS scary — I’ve reconsidered whether I should have revealed a bunch of the stuff I’ve written… especially since real-life friends read it.
I’m a new follower, by the way!