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May
24
When I signed up for this parenting gig, a whole bunch of things were left out of the job description! Diapers, bottles, potty training, tantrums; I was prepared for all that.
No one told me that there would come a time when I would choose to let my child fall instead of carry him safely to his destination. When that would be the best choice I could make for him. And the hardest choice I ever made.
I have always been adamant that I would not be one of those parents who nags about homework, or does their children’s projects for them, or calls teachers to ask for second chances. Their school work is their job, not mine. After a certain age, I don’t think it’s even my job to remind them to do their homework.
Since I’m sharing a whole lot about myself these days, I need to honestly admit that while I have always believed those things, these days I have so much going on that even if I wanted to, I just don’t have the time to remember all the things my kids are responsible for. My life has been in a state of chaos for several months now, and I’m lucky to meet my own obligations. It’s a good thing I’ve never been the type of parent to monitor their homework assignments, because I’d be blowing it now.
So my boys have grown up doing their own work, which has meant turning in less than stellar art and science projects. At least compared to the art and science projects that had an abundance of adult “help”. They have grown up used to the fact that some days I might ask them if they’ve finished their homework, but most days I won’t ask. I still expect it to be done. They’ve never had a problem with this.
Ah, but you knew this was coming. They’ve never had a problem until now. You see, my teenage son is just way too smart, way too advanced, to be bothered with homework. Eighth grade work is just so far beneath him, especially since he is so much smarter than his teachers. Can you hear the sarcasm dripping down my computer screen? I just love this attitude.
I have many friends with 14 and 15 year old sons, and this attitude of superiority, this “I know better than anyone else” attitude seems to be pretty common. That doesn’t make it any easier for me.
My son’s problem is that he is smart. Certain things come so easily for him, so he’s spent the majority of his educational career not needing to study. But classes are harder now. And as he gets closer to high school, he needs to buckle down.
More honesty now. I have emailed teachers more in the past month than I have for the entire time my son has been in school. I want his teachers to know that I know, and that I am concerned. I have been checking the parent website for his grades daily, actually hourly.
In reality, his grades aren’t bad. He keeps reminding me of that. But several of his grades are borderline, so if he has decided that he doesn’t need to worry about final exams, those grades may very well plummet. I lie in bed at night and confess to my husband how worried I am that he will blow everything in the last few days of school.
And I have become the nagging mom. I have talked until I’m blue in the face about how important it is not to fall behind, because there is no time to make things up now. I have talked about the future and about how a few of his classes are for high school credit. I have talked about it so much that I am sick of hearing it myself. And it hasn’t done a bit of good.
There are a few things I haven’t done. I haven’t helped him with his final projects. Those projects were well within his capabilities. I haven’t asked his teachers to extend deadlines for work not turned in on time. And the hardest of all; I haven’t told him how very disappointed I am. Not in his grades, but because he is squandering his God given gifts.
I won’t lie and say that grades aren’t important to me. They are. But more than grades, what I value the most is effort. If either of my children gives it their best effort and still ends up with a bad grade, I am okay with that. I am not okay with giving absolutely no effort, then acting shocked when you get a bad grade.
I suppose there is more that I could have done to avoid this situation. I could have been more strict about checking their homework every night. But I still say that it’s not my job. I could carry my son to the finish line and make sure that his grades reflect his abilities. But it’s not my job, and what does he learn if I do that?
My mother in law is such a wise woman, and she told me that sometimes you just have to let them fail, let them get what they deserve, and let them deal with the repercussions. This little tidbit was not in my parenting manual, and it is so hard to do.
Part of me wants to march into my son’s room right this minute and yell, nag, threaten, bribe, or beg. Whatever it takes. Whatever it takes to get the outcome that I want. Part of me wants to force him to do this my way, whether he wants to or not. Because I said so.
But this time I have to let him fall. I can’t carry him, and I can’t pick him up when he falls. I have to stand back and let this play out.
That doesn’t mean that we won’t be doling out consequences. The consequences will be swift and probably harsh, at least in his eyes. But I cannot stand over him waving the potential consequences in an attempt to force him to act like I want him to act. To try as hard as I want him to try. He has to do this himself and for the right reasons.
This goes against everything I thought it meant to be a parent. My arms are strong, and my heart is willing. I can carry both of my boys. I can be their strength, their moral compass, their light in the darkness. I can, but I can’t. They have to find it in themselves.
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21 Responses to “Knowing when to let them fall”
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Ellie on May 24th, 2010 8:32 pm
Some related to your post but not to each other observations:
I had a friend who was a sped aide (special ed). She worked with kids with severe disabilities. She simply told her own kids that they needed to use the gifts given them because she worked daily with kids who would have valued one tenth of their ability…(Her HS senior daughter is so driven, she spent her junior year in Bejing, is fluent in Mandarin, and has been accepted to the U of Chicago. I can say I was her 5th grade teacher, but I can’t take credit for anything but arguing about “Matilda,” with her!)
My son, now 23, never “applied himself.” He did okay in middle school, and his freshman year of college, I told him those early HS grades were more important that his senior year grades. He didn’t believe me. The natural consequence? He didn’t get into his first choice schools.
Recently he graduated from NIU and was accepted to LSU’s library science program. Tonight he found out that program would probably end before he could finish it. He’s figuring out what to do next. Though he had some trouble in college, he worked through it, and now he will work through this.
As a teacher, most project work I do is done at school where I can watch the process. There’s more to grade than a finished product, and I certainly don’t ever want to grade the parents!
Allow him to fall. He will learn.
Ellie´s last blog ..Church Bizness
Sheri Reply:
May 24th, 2010 at 11:27 pm
I do see more and more teachers requiring all projects to be worked on at school, at least in the older grades. I am all in favor of that!:)
I think it’s almost better for kids that have to work harder at school. Both my boys have had it too easy so far, and they don’t know what it’s like to really have to study. Now that my oldest needs to study, he doesn’t want to and probably doesn’t know how. I have told both of them that they do just okay without studying, so imagine what they could do if they applied themselves even a tiny bit. This actually goes for everything they do, piano, band, everything. It just kills me. I know he’ll learn, just not as quickly as I want him to.
Sheri´s last blog ..Knowing when to let them fall
Katherine owlfan on May 24th, 2010 9:18 pm
I agree with you on much of this and I have a very bright 8th grade son who has breezed through most of elementary and middle school. I especially agree with the idea of wanting him (and his younger brother) to do their best. Last semester my son did not do his best and his grade reflected that. I did let him know that I was disappointed that he blew off a project and got a lousy grade. His teacher offered to let him redo it (she makes that offer for any grade below an 80) and I did insist that he redo the whole project. I hope he learned something from that (and I think maybe he did as his grade is much better this semester). Next year will be a RUDE awakening for him, though, I’m afraid – he will be attending a magnet high school where the workload is much bigger. He has gotten much better this year about managing his own homework – I still ask what he has to do, but then leave him to do it.
Oh, and on projects, any teacher worth anything can tell which ones the kids did themselves and which ones had a lot of parental “help”. I worry that my kids’ projects don’t look good (and comparatively they don’t), but they usually do fine as the teacher knows that the work is all theirs.
Katherine owlfan´s last blog ..Field Trip Frenzy
Sheri Reply:
May 24th, 2010 at 11:22 pm
I always hoped that the teachers could tell which projects were done mostly by parents. I will never forget in third grade, my son was so proud of his lopsided volcano that he made all by himself. Until he saw another student come in with her mom and their fog machine…Then he thought his was lame. So frustrating!
Sheri´s last blog ..Knowing when to let them fall
Barbie on May 24th, 2010 10:42 pm
I believe there is a point in a child’s life where we must let go of their hand and let them walk their path. I have always been a homework nagger, at least in the early stages. I never have assisted other than providing advice and ideas with projects etc. Somewhere around the 7th grade is where I “let go” and told my children the rest was up to them, while still giving support. My first child, a girl, was just a few credits shy of graduating from HS. It broke my heart. I was not able to watch her walk with her class, accept her diploma etc. But she made poor choices and got lazy. She had to suffer those consequences. She did get a diploma after attending a semester of Summer school. So i tall worked out.
Barbie´s last blog ..Miscellany Monday
Sheri Reply:
May 24th, 2010 at 11:29 pm
There are so many hard lessons they have to learn. If my son doesn’t figure it out this year, he will have to figure it out sometime. It’s only going to get harder.
Sheri´s last blog ..Knowing when to let them fall
mandi@itscome2this.com on May 25th, 2010 5:22 am
Ugh. This just makes me dread growing up more … because I know I’ll wrestle with those same feelings. Finding a balance.
mandi@itscome2this.com´s last blog ..Top ten tuesday … reasons i’ll miss 24
Sheri Reply:
May 25th, 2010 at 10:00 am
I probably complained about every stage of parenting, infant, toddler, and now here I am. I can honestly say that so far, puberty is the hardest stage. Give me a nice toddler tantrum any day. But I wouldn’t have said that when I was in the middle of it!
Sheri´s last blog ..Knowing when to let them fall
Jean Wise on May 25th, 2010 9:50 am
As a mother and everyday on my spiritual walk, it is so hard to “let go” especially of our loved ones. I wish at times we had a looking glass showing us the future and how everything worked out so we could also let go of the fears.Thanks for a great post
Jean Wise´s last blog ..Gibb’s Rules – God’s Rules – Spiritual Rules for Life
Sheri Reply:
May 25th, 2010 at 9:59 am
Oh yes, if I could just see into the future and know that he’s going to figure things out. Instead I just have to trust, which isn’t easy at all!
Sheri´s last blog ..Knowing when to let them fall
Julie Leischner on May 25th, 2010 9:53 am
Love your post. So your 14 year old knows everything? Wow, so does my 12 year old girl! Perhaps they should join forces!
It is so hard to let them make mistakes! Thank you for your honesty!
Tweeting this out now as part of #TMT!
Sheri Reply:
May 25th, 2010 at 9:58 am
My 12 year old son also knows everything, isn’t it amazing how we are raising such brilliant children? To hear mine tell it, they really don’t need parenting at all!
Sheri´s last blog ..Knowing when to let them fall
Melinda on May 25th, 2010 9:56 am
Good grief, Sheri. We are living in the same world right now. I am so anxiety-ridden about my daughter’s grades right now I could throw up. My daughter has ADD, so it makes the idea of just not monitoring her and letting her do it all herself good or bad, much more tricky. That’s totally appropriate for a kid w/o ADD, but I’ve learned that ADD really does make school much more challenging. Yet, where do I draw the line? How much “help” is too much? Have I crossed the line into enabling her, giving her a crutch that will serve to only cripple her in life? These are the thoughts that plague me. So, I feel your pain. There are no manuals and strict rules to follow in these arenas. Sounds to me, though, that you are doing a great job, and even if he has a few short-term “failures,” he’s going to be far better off in the long run. Great post.
Tweeting this out for Tweet Me Tuesday!
Melinda´s last blog ..Hair-Raising Battles
Sheri Reply:
May 26th, 2010 at 9:09 am
It sounds like you are going crazy with worry too right now. I feel for you, it would be so much harder to know what to do when something else is at play like ADD. It is at least a little easier for me because I know it is pure laziness and that darn teenage attitude. I know what I need to do, it’s just so hard to let go and let them fail. Good luck with your daughter, and we will survive this!
Sheri´s last blog ..Knowing when to let them fall
Michelle@ Mommy Loves Stilettos on May 25th, 2010 10:41 am
I am not looking forward to the teenage years!
My brother was that way, SO incredibly smart and so bored with school. He rarely did his homework and my mom made him learn on his own that she wouldn’t “fix” the problem for him when he ended up with a bad grade. He figured it out by the time he hit senior year and he had to work extra hard to graduate.
Michelle@ Mommy Loves Stilettos´s last blog ..♥Monday Minute
Sheri Reply:
May 26th, 2010 at 9:06 am
I am hoping that by me letting him fail now, he has learned this lesson before the end of high school. It may take several years though!
Sheri´s last blog ..Knowing when to let them fall
Kristen on May 25th, 2010 2:40 pm
I know what this is like already lol. I have a kiddo who’s so smart…but he just doesn’t want to do it…he can come up with various reasons, but he doesn’t want to. I’m hoping next year will be a little better (as this was our first year doing public school instead of homeschool). I also know this must have been how my parents felt…and how heartbreaking it must be. Big {Hugs} and I’m tweeting it out for Tweet Me Tuesday!!
Kristen´s last blog ..Keeping tweeps from spoiling your shows (or other fun) {Tweet Me Tuesday}
Sheri Reply:
May 25th, 2010 at 8:24 pm
Yep, this was my story in high school too. Now I absolutely love school, love learning, but in high school it was “lame” and I worked very hard at doing just enough to get by. Which is what my son is doing now, UGH!
Sheri´s last blog ..Knowing when to let them fall
Bev on May 25th, 2010 9:09 pm
ahhhh…my heart goes out to you, sheri…i have been through this with 2 sons…letting them fail is counter-intuitive as a mom…but how else do they learn? we tried everything, even positive incentives lose their allure after a while…they have to figure it out, sometimes it takes a very, very long time. our sons are now 34 and 30…very decent human beings on their own paths…
prayers are going up for all of you!
bev
xo
Bev´s last blog ..this made me giggle
Sheri Reply:
May 26th, 2010 at 9:05 am
I tried the positive incentives too, even though I always said I’d never pay for grades, I offered a bribe. It didn’t work. I really think he cares about his grades, but he believes that he will magically ace his finals without studying, without any effort. I think he’s in for a very rude awakening, and I just can’t shield him from it.
Thanks for the prayers though, I know I need it!
Sheri´s last blog ..Knowing when to let them fall
Learning as I go | Unexpected Bliss on May 26th, 2010 9:51 am
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