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May
26
More and more, the things I write on this blog are focused on parenting. Not on how to parent, but on how not to parent. Clearly I am not one to give advice, but maybe if I share my shortcomings and failures, it might help someone else.
In my last post I admitted that my son has basically slacked off to the point that I’m very worried about his grades. This is such a tough situation, but it’s also very hard to admit that my child is a slacker. Especially on the internet. You all don’t know him, you can’t see the potential that he’s trying to hide, you don’t know that he’s a good guy. When I talk about my kids to other family members or “in real life” friends, they at least know that despite all the struggles, he’s a good boy. I never want it to seem like I am overly critical of my kids, or that they are deliquents, but I realize that by sharing things online, you may only get a narrow view. That’s not my intent.
Yesterday was hard. He is upset about his grades; final grades haven’t been posted but from the sheer difficulty of his finals, he knows that whatever “magic” he was hoping to pull out of a hat is not going to happen. He was angry and frustrated last night, and he lashed out at me. I expected this, because he really thought he could ace those finals without studying. Reality hurts.
He was so ugly, so unpleasant, that by the time I dropped him off for his spring band concert, I had decided that I wasn’t going to go to the concert. My husband was at our other son’s baseball game and couldn’t leave, so I was going to the concert by myself. But I was done. I was angry, hurt, and just disgusted with my child, and I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to see him or watch him perform.
I came home and started fixing my dinner. While my leftovers were warming, I decided to look through some of the papers that he had brought home from cleaning out his locker. I found something that he had just written that afternoon.
I can’t share what he wrote, but it showed me a side of him that he refuses to show. His written words reflected fear, doubt, insecurity, and anger at himself. The words he had spoken to me earlier were hiding all that, directing all those feelings at me instead of telling me how he was really feeling.
When I read what he wrote, I felt like the worst mother, the worst person in the world. I know that what you see with a teenager, what they show you, isn’t always the whole story, the true story. He probably didn’t want me to see what he had written. He probably didn’t want to be that honest with anyone. He doesn’t know I saw it, and I won’t tell him.
I had ten minutes before his concert started. I ran a comb through my hair, changed my shirt and ran. I got there one minute before it started. The band was already on stage. The boy sitting next to my son saw me, waved and poked my son. He smiled when he saw me.
I’m deeply ashamed that I was so angry that I was going to miss his final 8th grade concert. I didn’t think he’d notice that I wasn’t there, but I also didn’t care. If I look deep enough, I probably wanted to lash out at him the way he had lashed out at me. I am so very ashamed.
This doesn’t change things as far as the grade situation. There will be consequences for his slacking off. As far as he is concerned, nothing has changed. But something has changed inside of me.
What if God turned his back on me when I disappointed him? Which I have done and will continue to do. What if He left me wandering in the desert because I offended him? What if He was vengeful, and wanted to hurt me when I hurt him? What kind of Father would he be if he treated his children like I wanted to treat my son last night?
My son has questioned my faith before. He has asked me, how can I trust in a God that I can’t see, or in a God that allows bad things to happen. I have tried to explain it to him, but he will have to learn to trust and have faith on his own. I do have faith that my God loves me, in spite of my sins, in spite of my failures.
I want my children to have faith that as their mother, I will always love them. I will always be there for them. No matter what.
I was very close to blowing that last night. I wanted to fight pettiness with pettiness. I’m so glad that I was nudged to read my son’s papers. I normally don’t go through his things, I wait til he is home and ask him to show me. Clearly someone wanted me to know what my son was really feeling. Someone wanted me to get back on track and do the right thing.
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13 Responses to “Learning as I go”
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Cari on May 26th, 2010 11:57 am
Aww, this post nearly made me cry. Whether they want to admit it or not..every parent feels this way at least once. That probably won’t make you feel better, but just know that you are not alone!
Cari´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday and Black & White Wednesday!
Sheri Reply:
May 26th, 2010 at 7:17 pm
It does make me feel better,I always think that I must be the only ogre mom. I’m sure I’ll feel this way again though!
Sheri´s last blog ..Learning as I go
Stacey @ Tree, Root, and Twig on May 26th, 2010 2:17 pm
I’ve found myself being just as childish as my children before, and I have felt a lot of shame over that, too. I think the important things are to (a) be aware of it, (b) be willing to change it, and (c) apologize if it’s necessary. My kids understand I’m human, they understand I don’t always get it right. But I think they respect me for knowing it, too, and for saying sorry when I need to. You’re doing a great job, you really are!
Stacey @ Tree, Root, and Twig´s last blog ..The Evolution of My Bloggy Burnout
Sheri Reply:
May 26th, 2010 at 7:18 pm
Oh thank you for saying that. I am pretty good at recognizing when I have messed up and apologizing for it. If they’ve learned anything from me, it’s that we ALL make mistakes, even grownups. I’m a great example of that
Sheri´s last blog ..Learning as I go
Bev on May 26th, 2010 2:59 pm
i think the most important thing is that you learned something from this. i recall having these same kinds of fallouts with my boys when they were teenagers sheri, and feeling the same way you feel. it’s all part of the growing process…as children of god, and parents to our children.
don’t beat yourself up…you are a good mom…
Bev´s last blog ..this made me giggle
Sheri Reply:
May 26th, 2010 at 7:19 pm
Thank you. I did learn something, and I know I won’t forget this. I won’t forget how angry I was or how I almost acted out in anger. I do try to learn from my (many) mistakes, and I guess that’s the best I can do.
Sheri´s last blog ..Learning as I go
Tiffany on May 26th, 2010 3:25 pm
Believe it or not, I have learned a lot about parenting in the short time we have known each other. And not just the “don’t do it” stuff either
. He will remember last night. Not because you almost weren’t there, but because you were. I know I remember each and every one of those moments from my teenage years. And I knew that,no matter how bad stuff got between my parents & I, that they would be there. You demonstrated that for him last night. It will be ok.
Tiffany´s last blog ..True Story Tuesday: The Qwelf Ballet
Sheri Reply:
May 26th, 2010 at 7:21 pm
I know it will be awhile, probably years, before he is old enough to look back and remember these days as mostly good. Right now we’re just the meanest, most demanding parents EVER in his eyes. I do want him to know that I am always on his side, even if it doesn’t seem like it now.
Sheri´s last blog ..Learning as I go
SomeGirl on May 26th, 2010 11:22 pm
I felt his joy when you wrote that you entered the room and his friend nudged him… way to go, Mom!! ♥ Someone once told me “What you do after what you do is sometimes more important than what you’ve done to begin with.” I like those words.
SomeGirl´s last blog ..What is Happening to Me????!!
Sheri Reply:
May 27th, 2010 at 9:50 am
Oh I like those words too! I know that an apology can go a long way, just like showing up can go a long way. I’m glad I showed up for him that night, and I plan on showing up from now on.
Sheri´s last blog ..Stop and let me off
Jennifer Davis on May 27th, 2010 2:32 pm
I’m glad you made it to the concert. Being a mother is hard, and thank God He is the perfect parent! I have blown it so many times already, and my oldest is only four! Hang in there; the teenage years are tough for everyone. I taught high school students; like you said, they are a lot sweeter on the inside than they let us see sometimes!
Jennifer Davis´s last blog ..Fearless
Lisa Stone on May 28th, 2010 5:27 pm
Good job mama! I’m inspired by you.
It’s so hard to have teenagers, I know — and even harder to be one. My mother and I were laughing the other night over the fact that my boys will have to study hard to be as difficult as I was.
Lisa Stone´s last blog ..Gary Coleman Dead After Brain Hemorrhage
Sheri Reply:
May 28th, 2010 at 11:24 pm
I think my mom gets a tiny bit of satisfaction from my struggles with my teenager – after what I put her through I’m sure she feels like I deserve this! I can only hope they aren’t as bad as me.
Sheri´s last blog ..Sixteen years of bliss