Jun

11

Running out the door




This is one of those “how do I write this” kind of posts, but I feel like I should write something. I started this post three times already, floundering with each one. I wanted to write about my busy life, how I’m already behind and it’s just mid June. I wanted to apologize for being behind on blog reading and commenting. What I want to write about is anything except what needs to be said. 

My dad is having some complications following what should have been a minor surgery, including blood clots. I’m not sure if any surgery is minor for a 77 year old with as many health issues as he has, though. This latest problem is serious enough that my mom asked us to come, so we’re going.

It’s easier for me to let myself get wrapped up in the chaos of my life than to let myself reflect on the seriousness of the things going on with my extended family. I’ve got problems, we all do, but mine aren’t life threatening. I can’t wrap my brain around “life threatening”, so I avoid thinking about it. I’m scared of going. I’m scared of seeing anyone I love in the hospital. I’m scared of seeing the people that I love afraid. I’m scared of seeing my parents scared, because that’s not how it’s supposed to be.

But it is. It’s how it always is. It’s the circle of life; they take care of us, then we take care of them. So I’ll push my fears back, and go where I don’t want to go. Face what I don’t want to face.

This is why it’s so hard to write about this. I feel selfish for writing about my feelings and my fears. This isn’t about me. My husband and I talk about how we’ve never lost a close a family member, meaning parents, siblings or children. Even the grandparents we have lost happened years ago, when we were children, so we can’t remember it well. We talk about how we’re “not ready” for death. Despite our talk, I know that no one is ever truly ready for that season of life when weddings and celebrations turn to funerals and grieving.

Pray for my dad, and for my mom. They are scared, and I know he has fallen deeper and deeper into depression these last few months. Pray for me, that I’ll find words that comfort and give hope. That I won’t be too afraid to be where I’m needed.

That I’ll have the courage to face the important things, and let the rest go.

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    Filed Under Family | 18 Comments 

    18 Responses to “Running out the door”

      1
      2
        Trisha Lynn on June 11th, 2010 9:45 pm

        My prayers are with you, your mom and family.

      3
        Barbie on June 11th, 2010 10:25 pm

        I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I will certainly be praying for him and the entire family. Do not feel bad about posting about your fears, etc. about this. Let us help you through the fear by praying you through. Rest in Him!
        Barbie´s last blog ..Empty Me My ComLuv Profile

      4
        Cari on June 11th, 2010 11:26 pm

        Aww I’m sorry! Never feel bad about posting your true feelings. Never. That’s what blogs are for! I’m sure that once you are there, you will be just fine. (((HUGS)))
        Cari´s last blog ..Ever heard of Social Spark? My ComLuv Profile

      5
        Nicole on June 12th, 2010 10:51 am

        I’m sending prayers for you, your dad, and your mom.

      6
        Sharla on June 12th, 2010 2:10 pm

        THank you so much for sharing. My love and prayers are with you and your family.

        Never downplay the very real pain and emotions you feel. It’s so easy to look at others and tell ourselves to get over it, so many people have it much worse. But what you are feeling is real, and should not be disregarded.

        My heart is with you.

      7
        louise on June 12th, 2010 2:54 pm

        I completey understand how you feel. I could never imagine being ready for that kind of pain. I’ll be thinking about you and praying for you right now while I’m thinking about it.
        louise´s last blog ..Borders Summer Reading Challenge Giveaway My ComLuv Profile

      8
        Karen R on June 12th, 2010 3:24 pm

        You and your family will be in my prayers.

      9
        Tiffany on June 12th, 2010 5:28 pm

        Thank you for being real and honest. We will be praying for peace, courage, and encouragement for your family. For finding joy in uncertain situations. For the love of family & God to overwhelm. Hugs!
        Tiffany´s last blog ..Letters of Intent My ComLuv Profile

      10
        Teresa Criswell on June 12th, 2010 10:06 pm

        Your vulnerability is beautiful…this vulnerability causes us to remain humble as we remain and abide in our God. I pray in the Name of Jesus that you will receive the words that need to be spoken…encouragement will rise your dad up out of the pit of despair…spoken life will be what he craves to hear…I pray for perfect peace that is God over your parents and over you and your beautiful family! I’m so glad that I was able to stop by…

      11
        Bev on June 12th, 2010 11:48 pm

        you’ve been on my mind, now i know why…i am lifting all of you up in prayer…stay strong, dear friend…

      12
        Judy Bradley on June 13th, 2010 1:22 am

        Even though I am a fairly new reader, I think it is good that you can and do share – the good & bad of your life. I believe we are all in this life to help each other – and prayer is the strongest form of help! I read a cartoon several years ago about a young family & the wife got a call that her dad had a heart attack. He was likely going to be ok but needed rest etc. The young wife was packing to go be with her parents when her husband asked why she was going if he was going to be ok and she replied, “Because when someone has a heart attack, more than one heart is attacked”. I cut that out & saved it because it is so true. We need to be there for each other to get through this life. Prayers and hugs for you all!

      13
        Jennifer B on June 13th, 2010 10:19 am

        ((hug))

        Sending all my prayers and good thoughts

      14
        Laura on June 13th, 2010 7:05 pm

        I just found you — read your profile that sounded like my life, with a few more boys mixed in. I just finished my Master’s thesis a year ago…whew!

        I’ll be praying for courage for you and for your family as they face this.

        Come see me sometime.

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        Denise on June 14th, 2010 2:09 pm

        It is never selfish to admit your feelings. When you are affected by loved ones’ lives it can’t help but affect you in some way and ultimately it is about you in some way. It’s about your role in meeting their current needs. That is totally justified and human.

        Love this line..”So I’ll push my fears back, and go where I don’t want to go. Face what I don’t want to face.” It seems as we go through life we are faced with this many times and it sums up adulthood perfectly. It’s very poetic.

        Good luck and good thoughts coming your way.
        Denise´s last blog ..Photo Friday My ComLuv Profile

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      18
        SomeGirl on June 15th, 2010 10:07 pm

        Oh how I wish I hadn’t been so far behind in blog reading and commenting that I would have read this earlier! I’ll go pray right now… may God fill you and your family with His peace and comfort! Love, Michelle
        SomeGirl´s last blog ..A Change of Plans (My First Love) My ComLuv Profile