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Apr
5
I am seriously blown away right now. I keep saying this on Twitter and in thank you emails, but the kindness and support that you all have shown me is just incredible. I did not expect it, not at all. But your kindness is helping me so much, helping me move away from despair and inch closer to hope.
So I am clear, your donations are extremely needed and appreciated, more than I can say. And that will help with our immediate need of getting to a place where we can breathe. But what is really helping to restore my faith and to plant seeds of hope is your kindness. The comments, emails, blog posts, and tweets have been just amazing. You all are not only supporting me and lifting my family up in your prayers, but many of you are sharing your own stories. Stories of strife and struggle, but also stories of perseverance and climbing out of the darkness. It does my heart good to hear all your stories, whether you are in the middle of a dark time or you overcame your trials and are in a much better place. I need to hear all those stories. We all need to hear that we are not alone, and that others have walked down the path we are on and survived, stronger and better.
My intention is to send each of you a thank you email. I am behind on those, but I will get them done, because its important to me to let each of you know how you have helped me in my dark time.
Financial problems and health problems managed to mask a deeper problem. A lack of faith. Somewhere along this increasingly dark path, I lost faith in God and in myself. I lost faith in the simple but strong power of hope. I have been locked in a cycle of despair and fear, and I could not find my way out. You all, through your kindness and support, have helped me find my way back to faith. For that, I am eternally grateful.
Many of you have commented that you wish you could do more. I really want everyone to understand something. Never ever doubt that whatever you can do is huge. Never think that just an email with words of support isn’t huge, because it is. How many times do we stay back, hold our tongue, because we feel like what we have to offer is too small to help, not enough to make a difference. I’m here to tell you that no kindness, no offer of prayers or good thoughts, no “hang in there” is too small. Never underestimate the good that you can do.
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Apr
4
Whether you are celebrating Easter or just enjoying a beautiful spring weekend, my wish for everyone is peace. Joy is good too, but peace is really the ultimate goal, yes?
Since I spilled my heart for the whole internet to see, I have had second, third and fourth thoughts about doing so. Asking for help is hard. Airing dirty laundry is harder. Admitting you are in trouble is painful. So much so that it really is easier to keep it all inside.
I have recieved some very heartfelt and kind emails from many people, with and without donations, and those have helped me see that sometimes admitting you are in trouble is the best thing. As much as we need money, we need love and support. By closing myself off and keeping it all inside, I’ve been denying that I need support.
I know that those of you who donated did it out of love and kindness, not just because it got you extra chances to win a camera. I also know that most people do not have an extra $5 to give, so I am even more grateful.
I left a comment on a somewhat controversial post earlier this morning; even though I avoid controversy, I just had to say something. This was most of my comment:
My comment is not political. I never discuss politics, there’s no sense in it because no one will ever change their mind. And that’s ok. I believe in striving to love each other as we love ourselves, and that is very very hard to live up to. HE set a high standard, and we can’t come close to meeting it, but we all need to love our neighbors better than we do now. I say “we” and I’m including myself, not finger pointing at anyone.
If you say you are a follower of Jesus, then you were commanded to love your neighbor, feed your neighbor, clothe your neighbor, and be kind to your neighbor. How many of us can say that we always do that? Or even do it once in awhile? This is just whats in my heart this Easter eve.
My comment was more a reflection of what I’ve been thinking and feeling these past few days, not a criticism of anyone. I wish more than anything that I was not in a place where I had to ask for help. I wish more than anything I was able to help others, because truly nothing gives me more joy than that. I want to feed, clothe, and be kind to my neighbor, wherever they are. Right now, I have to be able to do that for my family first, but someday, God willing, I will be the one helping.
The reason I am having the giveaway is because I do feel very uncomfortable asking for help, especially when the only help right now is money. I needed to have something to give back, for purely selfish reasons.
If I was single, or maybe married with no children, I would never ask for help. When you have children, that changes. The situation I am in, having to work like a maniac when I can and still not have enough, puts a strain on children. Even if they don’t say it, or don’t realize where the stress is coming from, they feel it. My kids spent the weekend with their grandparents so that I could work. This is the first Easter we have been apart, and it breaks my heart that we couldn’t celebrate this day together. I want the cycle that I am in to end, so we never have to be apart for this reason again. That is why I asked for help.
Whatever you think of a donation button, or a giveaway of a not brand new item, or even of a blogger reaching out to other bloggers to request that they help spread the word about the giveaway, think about the reasons behind it. Two boys who have nothing to do with the problems we are having, but who are affected the most deeply by it. They will remember this Easter, and they will remember these days where mom was sad and strained and had no time for them, even if they don’t know why. I can’t tell you how many times in the past few months my oldest has asked me what is wrong. I try as hard as I can to hide it, but they can see whats in my soul. I need to be able to move on from this. I had to ask for help, because its clear that we won’t be able to break out of this on our own.
Blessings to you today, and everyday.
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Apr
2
My heart has stopped racing. My head has stopped spinning. I have stopped panicking. Not because my problems are gone. Not at all. But because of the amazingly kind comments and emails I have gotten since I bared my soul on the internet.
I didn’t really expect anything by posting that. I needed to get some things out and be honest. I needed that for my own mental health. I certainly didn’t expect an outpouring of kindness from people I don’t know. I am just so touched, and even though the problems still exist and tomorrow is uncertain, kindness helps my heart. Oh how it helps.
Maybe I am the only one like this, but when life gets this hard, I crawl inside myself and keep it all inside. My husband and I don’t talk about it, he because that’s not how he deals with things; me because I can’t talk about it. With anyone. Talking about it hurts.
Sharing my life on this blog was like opening up a dam of emotions; mainly fear, anxiety, and dread. I don’t want this blog to be gloom and doom, but in this case, being honest was the best thing I could do.
Thank you for the comments and emails, your kindness means more to me than I can ever, ever convey.
Don’t forget to enter to win my Nikon D40, you can enter until Sunday at midnight.
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Nov
15
Insurance. No small gift. As I mentioned in my previous post, I have been hanging out in hospitals and doctor offices quite a bit recently. I have been shocked at the cost of the tests I have had done, and grateful beyond measure that my husband has good insurance. I know it happens to many, many, many people, but for the first time, I realized that without our insurance, this little health glitch I am experiencing could have financially devastated us. No, I take that back. My health care bills would never financially devastate us, because I would choose to not see a doctor or have tests done. Not for myself. Thankfully, I don’t have to make that decision, but I feel for everyone that does.
I am one of those people who kind of skips along, assuming that most people are honest and doing what is right. I am occasionally wrong. We have Blue Cross insurance and a supplemental dental insurance to help with the orthodontist bills. Most of the providers we see are very familiar with both our primary and secondary insurance, so I never give it a second thought. My sons’ dentist office took a couple of times to actually submit the claims to the primary first, but they got it figured out, so I assumed all was fine.
I got a bill from my kids’ dentist earlier this fall, and for some reason I just thought how can we owe almost $160 for just part of the year, when we have two insurance policies paying on these claims? My first thought was that they submitted the claims incorrectly again, so I made a phone call to the dentists office. First, I do like the dentist my kids see. Second, there is no other pediatric dentist on both of our insurance provider lists, so its a good thing I like her. Anyway, I called her office, spoke with the staff member that answered the phone and questioned the bill I had received. She quickly told me that they did file the claims correctly and the bill was correct. Sigh. So I called each insurance company to try to figure out why I was being charged so much for simple cleanings.
I spent 3 hours on the phone that morning, back and forth with the insurance companies. To their credit, they were all very helpful and tried to find an explanation for the bill. Finally, someone walked through the bills with me line by line, date by date, for the past year. I learned that as a preferred provider, my dentist can charge whatever she wants, but the insurance company has set a cap for how much she will actually get paid for each service – and I am not responsible for the difference. We discovered that the dentist office had been billing me for that difference for at least the past year, probably longer.
After three hours on the phone, I was slightly irritated. The insurance representative told me exactly what to say to the dentists office, and to let them know that if we could not resolve this, then Blue Cross would send a patient rep out to visit with the dentist. I was happy to pass that along. This time when I called, I specifically asked to speak with the person responsible for filing the insurance. The person that answered the phone said that she did it, which I’m pretty sure is not true. But I explained my 3 hours on the phone, what I learned, and what the Blue Cross rep said. Instead of any apology or even acknowledgment that something might be wrong, I was told that she would pass the message along (to who, isn’t she the responsible one?) and someone would get back to me. Very anticlimactic. And more than a little rude.
I waited a week for a return call from the dentist but finally called them back. After I repeated most of the previous conversation that I had with them, I was then told that amazingly enough, the bill in question had been adjusted! Instead of me owing almost $160, I actually had a credit of about $50 on our account. Again, no mention of why the amount was adjusted, no apology, nothing. Which is fine, because being billed correctly was the goal, but you’d think if they want to keep long time patients, they might show some common courtesy when they screw up.
No, I don’t really think it was a screw up on their part. They’ve been in business too long not to know about the cap on charges. I screwed up, by not examining the Explanation of Benefits statements closer and questioning amounts that didn’t make sense. I screwed up by trusting that it would all be handled correctly and honestly. It was a necessary lesson, because now, no EOB goes unexamined.
Because of that incident with the dentist office, when I got a bill for one of my recent tests that said I owed over $600, I immediately called Blue Cross. That time it was a simple coding error. The rep fixed it right when I called and my balance dropped to zero.
I’m sure everyone else is diligent about combing over EOBs, checking and double checking. I’m new to this world of medical expenses. Routine doctor visit co-pays have been the extent of my experience up until recently, so I haven’t had to worry about it. I can tell you though, since I started spending so much time as a patient, I will never take insurance for granted again.
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Apr
30
- Warm weather, so I can get back to wearing my beloved flip flops.
- My Ped Egg, so my feet look decent in my flip flops
- Good books, which are always a blessing.
- A healthy family
- My sons piano teacher, for caring about him enough to call me and then to reach out to him. Really, for all teachers who go above and beyond.
Make the world a better place by finding grace in small things.
Any comment you leave on this post counts as an entry to win a fabulous prize in my Blogiversary Giveaway which ends Today!
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Apr
23
- Spring!
- The grill. We fix practically every meal outside once warm weather hits. Much nicer than cooking inside.
- My son going to work with my husband for Take Your Child to Work day. Cuteness!
- Red velvet cake. Which in this house will not last long.
- A good friend coming to visit me on Saturday. Can’t wait!
Make the world a better place by finding grace in small things.
Any comment you leave on this post counts as an entry to win a fabulous prize in my Blogiversary Giveaway going on through April 30.
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Apr
17
- Dark, rainy Fridays.
- Kids going to their friends houses after school. Yay!
- Today I lost my phone, my purse and a business card I needed. The grace? I found them all.
- As of right now, no big weekend plans. Just quiet.
- Laundry is washed, dried and put away. It’s nice starting the weekend with empty clothes hampers.
Make the world a better place by finding grace in small things.
Any comment you leave on this post counts as an entry to win a fabulous prize in my Blogiversary Giveaway going on through April 30.
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Feb
1
1. The end of a cold, bitter, unproductive week.
2. The ice is melted and gone, replaced by sunshine and warmth.
3. A peaceful weekend. You can only truly appreciate this if you are living with a teenager.
4. The start of a new month. It will be better.
5. Bruce Springsteen performing at half time.
Make the world a better place by finding grace in small things.
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Jan
26
1. A scary but safe trip home in the ice storm
2. An evening with just my youngest son.
3. All my errands ran before the storm hit.
4. The teenager telling me “it was a great day”.
5. No school tommorrow – normally this might not fall under the category of “grace”, but in this weather, I’m happiest when we’re all home safe.
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Jan
23
1. A good day at work
2. My husband got to come home a little early to spend some time with our teenage son.
3. A clean house
4. No laundry to do – for now!
5. Tomorrow is Saturday
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My boys
Where did those little guys go?Cuteness overload
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