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Jun
6
I haven’t been able to write about this until now, even thought it has been on my mind constantly since I read about it. The death of blogger Katie Granju’s son Henry has just filled my heart with such sadness. I didn’t know her, I hadn’t read much of her blog until there was so much online about her writing about her son’s addiction. But as a mom, regardless of whether or not I personally know her or her family, this hits me hard.
Of all the issues and problems that we face as parents, this is the one that scares me to death. This grips my heart and keeps me up at night.
With so many things in life, for kids and adults, you make mistakes and learn from them. Learning from your mistakes is a good result, and we often get the chance to make the right choice another time. We get a do-over. But with some things, there are no do-overs, no chance to make it right.
Part of the reason drugs and drug addiction scares me so much is that I have zero experience with it. In the tiny town I grew up in, I didn’t have access to drugs. I didn’t know anyone my age or around my age that did drugs. I heard rumors of adults doing drugs, but even that was rare. I’m afraid I wouldn’t recognize the signs of drug use until it was too late. Thankfully, the years my husband spent working with juveniles in the probation system gave him a huge education in this area. But that’s not really reassuring to me. Recognizing the signs means my kid has already crossed a line, a choice that could kill him. I don’t want to have to be able to recognize the signs. I don’t want it to ever get to that point.
We know people and have heard of people in our community that have lost children to drugs. Sometimes it is because of an overdose after years of addiction. Sometimes it is a first time drug user. Either way, it is heartbreaking.
Recently we learned that local kids as young as 11 or 12 were buying over the counter medication and taking huge amounts to get high. Several kids ended up in the hospital. The 18 year old that was buying it for most of them was arrested. That is also not reassuring. How far will kids go to get high? Huffing, over the counter medication, what else is there? And how much younger will the kids get that are doing this?
I wrote back in August about random drug testing at my son’s 6th grade. My rant back then, and now, is that drug testing at schools isn’t the answer. If my child fails that drug test, we are already on a path we never want to be on. We are already in serious trouble. I don’t have any answers, but I know that a failed drug test is a wake call that came too late.
I have talked to my sons about drugs so many times that they might roll their eyes if I bring it up again. But I will. My oldest has told me stories of kids his age and younger doing drugs, bringing drugs to school, coming to school high. These stories started when he was in the 7th grade.
I told my son that we love him, we want to guide him as he grows up, and we want to be able to trust him. He continues to earn more and more trust as he makes good choices. I also told him that if we think he isn’t able to make good choices, if we think he isn’t strong enough to resist peer pressure when it comes to things like drugs, we will make some hard decisions of our own. I won’t hesitate to pull either of my children out of school if I think it’s warranted. If I think they’ve gotten in with a crowd that is leading them down a dark path, and if I think they aren’t able to get off that path themselves, I will do whatever I have to do to keep my children safe and alive.
My son was kind of shocked when I said that. His jaw dropped, and he asked if I would really ever take him out of school. Absolutely, in a heartbeat, I’ll do whatever is best. He didn’t like that; even though he insists that he would never do drugs, he didn’t like the idea that I would do something that drastic. Like every teenager, he doesn’t think that anything bad will ever happen to him. He sees kids doing drugs, huffing, marijuana, and alcohol, and he sees them functioning okay. Maybe not functioning well, maybe getting suspended and expelled, but not dying.
He’s right, lots of people do drugs and don’t die. Lots of people do drugs and live relatively normal lives. I guess that’s true, because while my kids know people that do drugs, I do not.
I don’t care how many people do drugs and are fine. Because not everyone is fine. Many end up like Katie’s boy. Many lives are destroyed, and not just the lives of the people using drugs. My husband has seen parents and grandparents sent to prison time and time again, because they cannot stop. How many lives does that destroy?
You just don’t know if you will be the one who can’t stop, who has to keep using stronger drugs, who ends up dead of an overdose or a beating at the hands of drug dealers. You don’t know, so using drugs even one time is a gamble with your life. That’s a gamble that I’m not willing to take; I am not willing for them to take it either.
My heart is hurting for the Granju family. I cannot imagine losing a child in any circumstance, but to lose a child like that, there are just no words. Her willingness to share their story with the hope of helping other families is heroic. And it may be the wake up call that some people need to start an ongoing dialogue with their children about drugs. Growing up, my parents never talked to me about drugs. They were lucky; I made many mistakes, but not that one. I can’t close my eyes and hope that I will be that lucky with my kids.
I used to think that I wanted to shield my kids from news stories about these kind of things. I didn’t want them to watch the news and hear about drug abuse, child abductions, or sexual predators. Now I want them to know the dangers. I want them to know that drug use, even one time, can kill you. If it doesn’t kill you, it can put you on a course that leads to hell, for you and your loved ones. It can destroy your life.
I don’t have any answers. I don’t know how to make them fully understand the danger. All we can do is watch them closely, monitor them closely, and talk to them constantly. We’re talking and they’re listening. I hope and pray that it’s enough.
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Jun
3
You know those blogs that give you great advice on parenting and how to improve your family life? Um, that would not be this one, lol. I’m one that needs great advice!
School has been out for a week now, and I survived. Slightly more frazzled, but I survived. My kids have had friends over, had sleepovers and went to sleepovers at friends’ houses. They’ve been busy little social butterflies. And I’m glad for that, except for the fact that these butterflies need a driver (that would be me).
I have to laugh because my kids have both complained before about how much work school is, how hard it is. But now that school is out and they are playing all day, they’re so much more exhausted at the end of the day. It’s being outside, walking a lot, riding bikes, playing baseball and swimming. These guys are beat. Apparently playing is actually more exhausting than “working” at school.
My oldest spent most of yesterday at a friend’s house, came home for dinner and to clean up, then spent the night at another friends house. I picked him up this afternoon; of course, he was so tired he fell asleep in the car on the way home. All that playtime again. But then tonight after dinner he asked to go back over to his friends house. This friend lives close enough that he can walk back and forth, and he just wanted to go hang out for awhile since we weren’t doing anything.
We said no. He really didn’t understand that, because we weren’t doing anything. I was working, which is pretty much a constant; my husband was being a superhero and vacuuming up the massive amounts of dog hair we are collecting, and Nolan was tired from his own busy day of playing. So why didn’t we let him go?
My husband and I both said no without discussing it with each other first; No was just the initial gut response. I said no because I knew my son was tired and needed to get to bed early. I also like having them home; he’d been at friends’ houses for almost two days straight.
My husband said no on the principle that sometimes you just gotta say no 
He just couldn’t think of a good reason for our son to be out again tonight, after being gone all day yesterday and today. And he wanted Tanner to be rested tomorrow to help with the yard work.
After we said no, I started second guessing myself. It’s summer, for crying out loud! Aren’t they supposed to get to do things they can’t do during the school year? It’s not like he needed to wake up early the next day. I mentioned my second thoughts to my husband – also known as the man who NEVER second guesses himself. He just doesn’t do that, he makes his decision then it’s done. So he didn’t agree with my second guessing, but no surprise there.
I sometimes feel like we say no just to say it, because it seems like what we should be doing as parents. I do think we made the right call tonight, because he is tired, and like most kids, he’ll choose to have fun even if he’s exhausted.
How do you set limits during the summer? If it’s during the day, I rarely say no when they get invited somewhere or want to invite someone over. The main reason: because I cannot be the entertainment committee (that is my summertime mantra). I can’t arrange their fun, I can’t be at their beck and call to drive them anywhere and everywhere at the drop of a hat. I can’t, and I wouldn’t even if I could. So I encourage them to find things to do or places to go.
I do say no more to sleepovers. I don’t think they need to sleep over at someone else’s house more than one night in a row. They don’t sleep well at sleepovers, they stay up too late and wake up too early, and we get the brunt of their tiredness the next day. Because of my chronic lack of sleep, I’m a little obsessed with making sure my kids get plenty of it. But that’s pretty much where I start to set limits. Other than that, I’m okay with them hanging out with their friends a lot.
I do have a few goals for my kids this summer, most of which involve reading lots of books that I have picked out for them. Other than that, I’m happy to see them playing, biking, walking, swimming and having fun.
Do you have set rules or limits on social activities, or do you decide on a case by case basis? Do you have a schedule that you keep in the summer with your kids, or is it kind of willy nilly, figure it out as the day progresses? (If you hadn’t guessed, I would fall into the willy nilly category.)
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May
26
More and more, the things I write on this blog are focused on parenting. Not on how to parent, but on how not to parent. Clearly I am not one to give advice, but maybe if I share my shortcomings and failures, it might help someone else.
In my last post I admitted that my son has basically slacked off to the point that I’m very worried about his grades. This is such a tough situation, but it’s also very hard to admit that my child is a slacker. Especially on the internet. You all don’t know him, you can’t see the potential that he’s trying to hide, you don’t know that he’s a good guy. When I talk about my kids to other family members or “in real life” friends, they at least know that despite all the struggles, he’s a good boy. I never want it to seem like I am overly critical of my kids, or that they are deliquents, but I realize that by sharing things online, you may only get a narrow view. That’s not my intent.
Yesterday was hard. He is upset about his grades; final grades haven’t been posted but from the sheer difficulty of his finals, he knows that whatever “magic” he was hoping to pull out of a hat is not going to happen. He was angry and frustrated last night, and he lashed out at me. I expected this, because he really thought he could ace those finals without studying. Reality hurts.
He was so ugly, so unpleasant, that by the time I dropped him off for his spring band concert, I had decided that I wasn’t going to go to the concert. My husband was at our other son’s baseball game and couldn’t leave, so I was going to the concert by myself. But I was done. I was angry, hurt, and just disgusted with my child, and I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to see him or watch him perform.
I came home and started fixing my dinner. While my leftovers were warming, I decided to look through some of the papers that he had brought home from cleaning out his locker. I found something that he had just written that afternoon.
I can’t share what he wrote, but it showed me a side of him that he refuses to show. His written words reflected fear, doubt, insecurity, and anger at himself. The words he had spoken to me earlier were hiding all that, directing all those feelings at me instead of telling me how he was really feeling.
When I read what he wrote, I felt like the worst mother, the worst person in the world. I know that what you see with a teenager, what they show you, isn’t always the whole story, the true story. He probably didn’t want me to see what he had written. He probably didn’t want to be that honest with anyone. He doesn’t know I saw it, and I won’t tell him.
I had ten minutes before his concert started. I ran a comb through my hair, changed my shirt and ran. I got there one minute before it started. The band was already on stage. The boy sitting next to my son saw me, waved and poked my son. He smiled when he saw me.
I’m deeply ashamed that I was so angry that I was going to miss his final 8th grade concert. I didn’t think he’d notice that I wasn’t there, but I also didn’t care. If I look deep enough, I probably wanted to lash out at him the way he had lashed out at me. I am so very ashamed.
This doesn’t change things as far as the grade situation. There will be consequences for his slacking off. As far as he is concerned, nothing has changed. But something has changed inside of me.
What if God turned his back on me when I disappointed him? Which I have done and will continue to do. What if He left me wandering in the desert because I offended him? What if He was vengeful, and wanted to hurt me when I hurt him? What kind of Father would he be if he treated his children like I wanted to treat my son last night?
My son has questioned my faith before. He has asked me, how can I trust in a God that I can’t see, or in a God that allows bad things to happen. I have tried to explain it to him, but he will have to learn to trust and have faith on his own. I do have faith that my God loves me, in spite of my sins, in spite of my failures.
I want my children to have faith that as their mother, I will always love them. I will always be there for them. No matter what.
I was very close to blowing that last night. I wanted to fight pettiness with pettiness. I’m so glad that I was nudged to read my son’s papers. I normally don’t go through his things, I wait til he is home and ask him to show me. Clearly someone wanted me to know what my son was really feeling. Someone wanted me to get back on track and do the right thing.
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May
24
When I signed up for this parenting gig, a whole bunch of things were left out of the job description! Diapers, bottles, potty training, tantrums; I was prepared for all that.
No one told me that there would come a time when I would choose to let my child fall instead of carry him safely to his destination. When that would be the best choice I could make for him. And the hardest choice I ever made.
I have always been adamant that I would not be one of those parents who nags about homework, or does their children’s projects for them, or calls teachers to ask for second chances. Their school work is their job, not mine. After a certain age, I don’t think it’s even my job to remind them to do their homework.
Since I’m sharing a whole lot about myself these days, I need to honestly admit that while I have always believed those things, these days I have so much going on that even if I wanted to, I just don’t have the time to remember all the things my kids are responsible for. My life has been in a state of chaos for several months now, and I’m lucky to meet my own obligations. It’s a good thing I’ve never been the type of parent to monitor their homework assignments, because I’d be blowing it now.
So my boys have grown up doing their own work, which has meant turning in less than stellar art and science projects. At least compared to the art and science projects that had an abundance of adult “help”. They have grown up used to the fact that some days I might ask them if they’ve finished their homework, but most days I won’t ask. I still expect it to be done. They’ve never had a problem with this.
Ah, but you knew this was coming. They’ve never had a problem until now. You see, my teenage son is just way too smart, way too advanced, to be bothered with homework. Eighth grade work is just so far beneath him, especially since he is so much smarter than his teachers. Can you hear the sarcasm dripping down my computer screen? I just love this attitude.
I have many friends with 14 and 15 year old sons, and this attitude of superiority, this “I know better than anyone else” attitude seems to be pretty common. That doesn’t make it any easier for me.
My son’s problem is that he is smart. Certain things come so easily for him, so he’s spent the majority of his educational career not needing to study. But classes are harder now. And as he gets closer to high school, he needs to buckle down.
More honesty now. I have emailed teachers more in the past month than I have for the entire time my son has been in school. I want his teachers to know that I know, and that I am concerned. I have been checking the parent website for his grades daily, actually hourly.
In reality, his grades aren’t bad. He keeps reminding me of that. But several of his grades are borderline, so if he has decided that he doesn’t need to worry about final exams, those grades may very well plummet. I lie in bed at night and confess to my husband how worried I am that he will blow everything in the last few days of school.
And I have become the nagging mom. I have talked until I’m blue in the face about how important it is not to fall behind, because there is no time to make things up now. I have talked about the future and about how a few of his classes are for high school credit. I have talked about it so much that I am sick of hearing it myself. And it hasn’t done a bit of good.
There are a few things I haven’t done. I haven’t helped him with his final projects. Those projects were well within his capabilities. I haven’t asked his teachers to extend deadlines for work not turned in on time. And the hardest of all; I haven’t told him how very disappointed I am. Not in his grades, but because he is squandering his God given gifts.
I won’t lie and say that grades aren’t important to me. They are. But more than grades, what I value the most is effort. If either of my children gives it their best effort and still ends up with a bad grade, I am okay with that. I am not okay with giving absolutely no effort, then acting shocked when you get a bad grade.
I suppose there is more that I could have done to avoid this situation. I could have been more strict about checking their homework every night. But I still say that it’s not my job. I could carry my son to the finish line and make sure that his grades reflect his abilities. But it’s not my job, and what does he learn if I do that?
My mother in law is such a wise woman, and she told me that sometimes you just have to let them fail, let them get what they deserve, and let them deal with the repercussions. This little tidbit was not in my parenting manual, and it is so hard to do.
Part of me wants to march into my son’s room right this minute and yell, nag, threaten, bribe, or beg. Whatever it takes. Whatever it takes to get the outcome that I want. Part of me wants to force him to do this my way, whether he wants to or not. Because I said so.
But this time I have to let him fall. I can’t carry him, and I can’t pick him up when he falls. I have to stand back and let this play out.
That doesn’t mean that we won’t be doling out consequences. The consequences will be swift and probably harsh, at least in his eyes. But I cannot stand over him waving the potential consequences in an attempt to force him to act like I want him to act. To try as hard as I want him to try. He has to do this himself and for the right reasons.
This goes against everything I thought it meant to be a parent. My arms are strong, and my heart is willing. I can carry both of my boys. I can be their strength, their moral compass, their light in the darkness. I can, but I can’t. They have to find it in themselves.
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Apr
19
Ahh the joy of your first love. Young love. How sweet it is. Right?
Not if you’re the mother of a teenager! I finally can appreciate the stress I put my mother through when I was growing up. I remember her telling me that if the boy I liked ever hurt me, she would hurt him. I laughed, but I also felt comforted by that. Someone cared about me that much. Of course, most of the time I wished she didn’t care so much and would just let me do whatever I wanted.
The details of the current stressful situation are not mine to share, but I can use myself as an example. Am I the only person who pined for their first “love”, long after that first love had moved on? Or maybe my first love liked to see me pining away, so they kept me hanging on, throwing tidbits of attention my way every once in awhile. That would make me a doormat, yes? Or a puppy dog, allowing myself to be yanked along on a short leash.
It’s painful to see someone you love being treated badly. It brings out the mommy claws. But I can’t do the hard parts for my kids. I know the right thing to do, and I can tell them the right thing to do. I can even force them to do the right thing. But I can’t make them understand why it is the right thing, the best thing to do.
I have talked to my kids until I am blue in the face about self respect and self esteem. About not letting people walk all over you. They both seem to get it, unless girls are involved. Then it suddenly becomes okay to be a doormat.
I completely remember my first boyfriends, my first love, my first break up. I remember feeling like my heart would literally break in two. I remember hanging on way too long. I also can look back and clearly see the times in my life when I was someone’s doormat, and I cringe at that.
How do you parent during these tough times? I have friends that refuse to allow their kids to date, and actually that is our stance right now. But not dating doesn’t mean that they are not forming relationships at school and getting their heart broken in the process. I have friends that strongly feel that this is a normal, natural part of growing up, so let them be. I agree this is a normal part of growing up, but I am going to set the parameters when they are this young.
I can keep them from “dating”, but as I’m learning, that really only keeps them from going on dates. The feelings, the drama, the hurt, it still happens, even without dates, and I can’t control that. How do I help them find enough self confidence to walk away when they’re being treated badly?
Now that is the million dollar question. HELP!?
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Apr
12
As the mom of a teenager, I always wonder how other parents handle the online privacy issue. How much freedom and privacy do you let your kid have with social media websites?
I would never write on my kids’ social media page, but I want to have access to it and be able to read it. My youngest isn’t even interested in having a Facebook account; he never gets online. My oldest used to have a MySpace account, which I had the password for. He finally deleted the account on his own, his words to me were “its just lame”. He does have a Facebook account that he rarely posts on, so its not a huge issue for us right now. I also know that he has friended other kids’ parents, so there are adults that would give me a call if they saw anything out of line.
I was reading the comments on Blogher about the sixteen year old who is suing his mom for hacking into his Facebook account and writing on his wall. It seems like many moms feel the same way I do. There are just too many potential dangers online, and no matter how much we preach it to our kids, most of them just don’t get the severity of it. That whole teenage mentality of “nothing will ever happen to me” supersedes any warnings they get from mom and dad.
Of course, I hope more than anything that they’re are right, and nothing does ever happen to them. But as a mom, I can’t just cross my fingers and hope for the best.
So how do you handle kids and online privacy?
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Mar
2
My baby eighth grader went to his first semi-formal dance recently. I wasn’t thrilled with the whole “semi-formal” thing at first, because it meant we had to buy some dress up clothes for him. The school counselor made it clear that semi-formal just meant no jeans/t-shirts/tennis shoes, not a tuxedo. Whew!
My son did not have a date for this dance, much to my relief. I really have nothing against dances or dates, but some of my best memories from high school are going to dances with a group of friends. We had a blast, and there were none of the expectations that might be there with a date. I want him to have fun, not drama. So he met several friends there, and afterwards spent the night with his buddies.
I worry about my boy, because like me, he can have unreasonable expectations of things. A dance could be the the “best night of his life”, if he only had a date. So for him, no date means he can relax and be himself, without aiming for that unattainable “perfect night”. We did have to have a discussion about the clothes though. He actually asked for a suit. I would love nothing more than to see my boy decked out in a suit, but that is a more money than I can spend on something he won’t wear again. We finally agreed on black dress pants, red shirt, tie and shoes. He looked great!
It was so cute to see him getting ready that night, with his dad helping him with his tie. He was excited and nervous, calling his friends constantly to make sure that no one arrived at the dance before the others. They all came back to our house after the dance, just long enough for Tanner to change clothes and grab some overnight stuff. One of the guys did have a date, and they were giving her a ride home so she came over too. The girls apparently took the semi-formal part very seriously! She looked lovely, but my first dress like that was for prom my junior year. I saw many pictures from that night and all the girls were wearing formals. Even though I wasn’t excited about the semi-formal part at first, I do think it changed the whole atmostphere of the dance for these kids. I’ve never seen my son or the other kids so excited about a school dance, and the only difference was that they were dressed up. They loved dressing up and loved seeing each other dress up, and I’m sure it made a difference in how they behaved at the dance.
Now here’s my rant – you knew it was coming, right? My husband dropped him off at the dance, and when he came home he told me there were two limos dropping off groups of kids, one a Hummer limo. Remember, this is an EIGHTH GRADE dance. Not senior prom. What do these kids have to look forward to for prom, or any other dance, if we are bringing out the big guns for EIGHTH GRADE?
I get that parents want to make these things perfect for their kids. I want my son to have a good time, I don’t care so much about perfection. I also get that if you can afford to do things like that, go right ahead. But next year, how do you top the fancy dress, corsage, dinner before the dance, bowling afterwards, and the limo? What is left to make the next four years worth of dances great and wonderful and perfect?
I grew up in a small town, so there were no limos, no restaurants, no hotels. There was only so much we could do for prom, and it was still absolutely perfect. So I don’t know what I’m getting into here. If this is what its like in eighth grade, are we talking five star restaurants, private parties and (gasp) hotels for prom? Really, I have no idea, but I’m not looking forward to the conversation where we tell our son No to the hotel idea.
Anyone have a teenager and been through the whole dance/prom thing and can tell me what I’m in for? Are limos at eighth grade dances typical? What happens in high school then, do we fly the kids in (sarcasm)? But really, what are your thoughts on this? Feel free to call me old fashioned, the label fits.
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Jul
14
You would think that at forty years old and with two kids, I would at least be able to pretend that I have all the answers. Ha! Not even close. There are situations that come up from time to time and I have no clue how to handle them. I know what I want to do, but I don’t know what is the best way to go about it. So, I’m asking you for advice.
I’ll call this dilemma, The Uninvited Guest. Do you ever invite one of your child’s friends over and the friend shows up with their little brother or sister? Or it’s just taken for granted that the little sibling is welcome at birthday parties or any other activity? This happens all the time, and I’d love to know how you all handle this.
I’m pretty easy going, so my tendency is to just let the younger sibling stay and play. Most of the time, this works out okay. But when the younger one is several years younger than either of my kids, it gets awkward, because then it’s more like babysitting. I don’t want to plan a fun get together for my kid and his friend only to insist that they include a much younger brother in their fun. But it has happened that way, and it’s no fun for any of us. On the flip side, I would never send either of my kids to tag along with their brother to a friends house or party when they weren’t invited.
I have tried using my child as an excuse, saying “Nolan wants to know if Mark can come over”. I specifically do not mention the younger brother. Sometimes that works, sometimes they still show up together and sometimes I get asked, can little brother come too. Which puts me in an awkward position, because all of my reasons for saying No don’t sound too nice when I say them out loud.
So tell me, am I wrong to not want younger siblings to come over without being invited? Maybe I am the stick in the mud and need to get over that. If I’m not wrong, and it’s perfectly okay to expect the invited guest to show up by himself, then how do you handle this situation?
Because I’m a worrier by nature, you know this kind of thing has kept me up at night and caused me severe stress. I never want to hurt any feelings. Advice, please! And thanks!
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My boys
Where did those little guys go?Cuteness overload
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