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Mar
2
My baby eighth grader went to his first semi-formal dance recently. I wasn’t thrilled with the whole “semi-formal” thing at first, because it meant we had to buy some dress up clothes for him. The school counselor made it clear that semi-formal just meant no jeans/t-shirts/tennis shoes, not a tuxedo. Whew!
My son did not have a date for this dance, much to my relief. I really have nothing against dances or dates, but some of my best memories from high school are going to dances with a group of friends. We had a blast, and there were none of the expectations that might be there with a date. I want him to have fun, not drama. So he met several friends there, and afterwards spent the night with his buddies.
I worry about my boy, because like me, he can have unreasonable expectations of things. A dance could be the the “best night of his life”, if he only had a date. So for him, no date means he can relax and be himself, without aiming for that unattainable “perfect night”. We did have to have a discussion about the clothes though. He actually asked for a suit. I would love nothing more than to see my boy decked out in a suit, but that is a more money than I can spend on something he won’t wear again. We finally agreed on black dress pants, red shirt, tie and shoes. He looked great!
It was so cute to see him getting ready that night, with his dad helping him with his tie. He was excited and nervous, calling his friends constantly to make sure that no one arrived at the dance before the others. They all came back to our house after the dance, just long enough for Tanner to change clothes and grab some overnight stuff. One of the guys did have a date, and they were giving her a ride home so she came over too. The girls apparently took the semi-formal part very seriously! She looked lovely, but my first dress like that was for prom my junior year. I saw many pictures from that night and all the girls were wearing formals. Even though I wasn’t excited about the semi-formal part at first, I do think it changed the whole atmostphere of the dance for these kids. I’ve never seen my son or the other kids so excited about a school dance, and the only difference was that they were dressed up. They loved dressing up and loved seeing each other dress up, and I’m sure it made a difference in how they behaved at the dance.
Now here’s my rant – you knew it was coming, right? My husband dropped him off at the dance, and when he came home he told me there were two limos dropping off groups of kids, one a Hummer limo. Remember, this is an EIGHTH GRADE dance. Not senior prom. What do these kids have to look forward to for prom, or any other dance, if we are bringing out the big guns for EIGHTH GRADE?
I get that parents want to make these things perfect for their kids. I want my son to have a good time, I don’t care so much about perfection. I also get that if you can afford to do things like that, go right ahead. But next year, how do you top the fancy dress, corsage, dinner before the dance, bowling afterwards, and the limo? What is left to make the next four years worth of dances great and wonderful and perfect?
I grew up in a small town, so there were no limos, no restaurants, no hotels. There was only so much we could do for prom, and it was still absolutely perfect. So I don’t know what I’m getting into here. If this is what its like in eighth grade, are we talking five star restaurants, private parties and (gasp) hotels for prom? Really, I have no idea, but I’m not looking forward to the conversation where we tell our son No to the hotel idea.
Anyone have a teenager and been through the whole dance/prom thing and can tell me what I’m in for? Are limos at eighth grade dances typical? What happens in high school then, do we fly the kids in (sarcasm)? But really, what are your thoughts on this? Feel free to call me old fashioned, the label fits.
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Sep
16
If you see my son, he will hold the door open for you. If you drop something, he will bend down and pick it up for you. He’s helpful that way.
If you see my son, he’ll shake your hand and say Nice to meet you. He’ll look you in the eye and answer your questions. He’ll make small talk and laugh at your jokes, even if they are lame. I know this because he laughs at mine.
If you see my son, he’ll say please and thank you.
If you see my son, your kids will like him. The under five year old set adores him, because he’s young enough to act goofy with them and old enough to be endlessly patient. He’s a great babysitter.
If you see my son and need help, go ahead and ask. He likes to help as long as it doesn’t involve cleaning his bedroom.
If you see my son, you might be surprised at how articulate and pleasant he is. We don’t always see that side of him at home, but he is.
Oh, one more thing.
If you see my son, he’ll be the one with the longish, shaggy hair that partially covers his eyes. It’s dyed black. He’ll probably be wearing these big goofy black rimmed glasses. Not because he needs glasses, but because he thinks they look funky. And they go well with his skinny jeans, which he wears a lot. He might be dressed in all black or dark clothes, depending on his fashion mood that morning. He might be wearing wrist bands, not because he cuts, but because he thinks they look funky.
What will you do if you see my son?
I hope you won’t roll your eyes, or give me a sympathetic look because clearly he must be an out of control delinquent. Don’t scowl at him or move to the other side of the aisle. Don’t assume anything about him.
If you see my son, look past the hair and clothes. Toss out any initial judgment you might want to make based on his appearance, and give him a chance. Don’t miss an opportunity to meet a really great kid.
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Aug
22
I apologize for the novel and the heavy topic, but this has been on my mind for a few days. Thanks for sticking around til the end.
My youngest son is twelve, and he just started sixth grade. There are a lot of changes from elementary school to sixth grade. In my town, there are several elementary schools, then all the kids come together in the sixth grade center. The school seems huge compared to the school he went to last year. Now they change classrooms every hour, instead of staying in the same room all day. More rules, regulations, procedures and work.
Oh, and more random drug testing. For the eleven and twelve year olds.
Is this only shocking to me? Is it only heartbreaking to me?
We went to the Meet the Teacher night on Thursday, and one of the teachers was talking about Odyssey of the Mind and the Robotics Club. As an aside, she mentioned that every student who participates in an extracurricular activity will need a permission slip signed for random drug testing. She explained that because athletes are required to submit to random drug tests, some parents of the athletes complained that the policy should apply to all extracurricular activities.
She also said that they are starting in the sixth grade because last year a seventh grader failed the drug test.
We live in the suburbs. There is a church on every corner, and the public school system is one of the best in the area. I’m not saying bad things don’t happen in every neighborhood or town, but this is still shocking to me.
I don’t have anything against random drug testing. My problem with the policy is that they should just make it school wide, instead of only the kids who participate in extracurricular activities. But this post isn’t really about the school policy.
My question, and this is what keeps me from being able to type this without the tears coming, is WHY is this even necessary?
I’ve said several times over the past few years how much easier things are now that my kids are getting older and more independent. Babies, toddlers and preschoolers are all so high maintenance. They are a lot of work and require constant vigilance. Now that my kids are older, they require a lot less hands on monitoring and guidance.
Wrong.
Teenagers and preteenagers need more guidance, monitoring and vigilance than any toddler. They are more independent, but that just means parents have to be more watchful.
When are the eleven, twelve and thirteen year olds doing drugs? Where are they? When are they alone with friends long enough for this happen? Where are their parents?
I am not a popular mom these days. It recently hit me like a ton of bricks that just because my kids have never been in trouble, it doesn’t mean that trouble won’t hit at any time. At this age, they can make one wrong turn and it will change their lives.
In just the past few months, I have shown up at the local movie theatre and pulled my kid out of the movie. There was no great crime committed, he just didn’t have permission to be there, and he needed to learn a lesson. My husband has shown up at the park and picked my son up, again because he hadn’t gotten permission first. When I call my son, he answers no matter what he is doing, because I have tracked him down when he didn’t answer my call before.
None of that was fun. I trust my son, I trust that we’ve given him a solid foundation and knowledge of right and wrong. I know that he is a good boy. But I truly believe that they are all good, even the ones that fail the drug tests.
They are trying to figure out who they are, separate from their parents. They are just trying to find their way, so they follow their friends. They follow kids whose parents turn them loose on a Saturday morning and don’t expect them home until it’s dark. They follow kids whose parents are gone all day, so the kids do whatever they want and have whoever they want over. They follow kids whose parents don’t ask where they’re going when they walk out the door.
I know there are kids who never have any problems. They do well in school, never get in trouble and never take a wrong turn. I hope my kids are like that. But I can’t close my eyes, cross my fingers and hope for the best. Too much is at stake.
No one in my town seems to be talking about this, and if they do talk about it, they shrug their shoulders and say kids will be kids.
- Drug testing.
- Locker searches.
- Adult volunteers monitoring the local theatre on weekend nights to try to prevent the rampant sexual activity – by kids who are too young to drive.
- The principal having an assembly to tell the eleven and twelve year old girls that they can’t wear shirts that show cleavage.
Seriously, is that kids being kids? I don’t know how we can pretend that any of that is part of a normal, typical childhood.
It isn’t kids being kids. They are trying to find their way, and no one is guiding them.
When I have brought this up with other parents, there is a lot of head shaking and comments that kids are just out of control these days.
Out of control kids. That makes my head spin. The kids should never be in control. I don’t care how mature and responsible your kid might be, they should never be in control. That’s our job. We keep them safe, we keep them on the right path, and we need to be in control.
Let’s be real honest about where the blame lies in all of this. If the children are out of control, we let them get out of control. If sixth grade girls are wearing shirts that show cleavage, someone bought them that shirt and let them wear it. If twelve, thirteen and fourteen year olds are having oral sex in the movie theatre, someone drove them to the theatre and dropped them off.
I have no idea how things got to this point, but somehow things have gotten way off track. We can discuss and debate why and how, and I would love to hear your thoughts on it. But this is where we are, so what can we do to make it better?
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Jul
5
My family loves watching movies. Mostly we rent movies, but occasionally there will a movie that just has to be seen on the big screen. Those used to any movies that were cartoons, when my kids were little, then Harry Potter, and now it’s action movies. Which are great on the big screen.
I’m pretty picky about what my kids watch. I read parent movie reviews before we rent a movie. My kids are older now, and I’m not going to pretend that they haven’t been exposed to all kinds of language at school. I’m okay with some language in a movie, not okay with too much “sexual content”. I’m sure my 7th grader has heard all of that at school, too, but my 5th grader hopefully has not.
At the end of the Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, it says Movie based on Hasbro action figure toys (or something very similar to that). So why, in a movie based on toys, did they feel the need to cram it full of trash sexual content? My five year old nephew saw the first Transformer movie, and I’m sure he’ll see this one. Sure, the sexual content will be completely over his head, but why did it need to be in there at all? It’s an action movie about toys.
I lean towards pretty conservative with TV and movies, sometimes too much because I will forget that my kids are older now and have been exposed to more. But if my husband thinks there was too much completely unnecessary sexual content in a movie, then I know it was bad. That was the first thing he commented on when we walked out of the theatre. The thing was, it really wasn’t necessary for the movie. It took away from the action scenes and provided some really uncomfortable moments in a theatre packed with the under 8 crowd. You can have a great action flick that most ages will want to see without the sex stuff. My family saw the recent Terminator movie, and there was hardly any sexual content. It would have been completely out of place in that movie. Like it was in this movie about action figures.
I admit I did not check the parent reviews before we saw Transformers. I also know that it was rated PG-13 for a reason, but so was the first Transformers movie. We saw the first one and it had a lot less sexual content, and it was pretty mild compared to this one, so I wasn’t expecting it. My opinion is, if you’re making a movie based on toys or characters that will be familiar to children, then make the movie appropriate for all ages. Don’t try to throw in some juvenile, vulgar sex humor to appeal to whoever that appeals to. I’m okay with language, I understand you’re probably not going to find an action movie without profanity, and it wouldn’t be realistic anyway. But for the mom in the movie to talk about her son getting “his cherry popped”? Not necessary at all, and pretty inappropriate for the group that was watching the movie in my theatre.
I was just disappointed, and it did seem to spoil the movie for me. I loved the first one, but I was so bummed out about how much time was devoted to sex that I didn’t enjoy this one at all.
So what do you guys think, if you saw the movie did you think it went a little overboard on the sexual content?
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Feb
28
I’ve started to write this post for several days, but I keep stopping as soon as I get past the title. I’ve had this inner struggle going on about whether to write it at all, but it’s been on my mind for days, so I guess I will share what’s in my heart.
My son has had a friend since probably first grade. My boys don’t seem to have “best friends” but this boy had been to our house and came to Nolan’s birthday party sleepover. Nolan has stayed over at his house and went to vacation bible school with this boy and his family, so they are good buddies. I liked this little boy, he was polite and no trouble at all. But it made me nervous when Nolan went to his house, because his family restricted TV and electronics. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, actually the opposite. The family was so conservative that I had a talk with my son about not using the word “butt” when he was over there. The little boy made Nolan a wallet out of duct tape once, which was quite impressive. When Nolan asked how he could do that, I said probably because he’s not watching Spongebob all the time. Honestly, I was in awe of this family, and possibly just a little jealous of their parenting style.
This is the part that is hard to write, hard to say, hard to think about. My husband and I were watching the morning news last week, and the news anchor said that a local high school teacher had been charged with sexual battery of a 16 year old student. Then they showed a picture of Nolan’s friends dad. Mike and I instantly looked at each other and said, it’s not possible. I was literally shocked speechless, and my first gut response was that it couldn’t be true. But I was also sick to my stomach at the thought, and deep down, I didn’t know what to think. My husband was adamant that it had to be a mistake, and I was hoping he was right.
Later that day, I checked online for more information. I was shocked and saddened to read that the man had admitted to it, and had turned himself in at the police station. The article I read went into graphic detail about the crime, which I can’t and won’t repeat. I forwarded the article to Mike, and he agreed then that it probably wasn’t just a horrible mistake.
Because of my husband’s job, the details of this case are not shocking or surprising to him. He sees much worse every single day. But he doesn’t bring those stories home, so I’m not used to hearing it. It is shocking to me, and it has haunted my every thought for several days. No matter how many times you read about this in the paper or hear it on the news, there is nothing that can compare to how it feels when they flash the mug shot on the screen and you know the person. God help me, my son spent the night at his house.
Mike and I are certain that nothing happened to our son when he was at their house. But we still had to have a conversation with Nolan that we never wanted to have, about someone that he knows. Of course we wanted to make sure that nothing had ever happened to him, but I also wanted to make sure that we talked to him before he heard anything at school. I felt like I was taking an ice pick and shattering my sons innocence when he asked why this person was in jail.
We all feel the same revulsion and anger and outright hatred when we hear about someone hurting a child. I don’t care if the child is 6 or 16, there is nothing more abhorrent than that. This case has been particularly hard for me. Obviously because we knew this person and my son spent time at his house. But all the times I’ve read or heard similar stories, I have never once dug deeper and thought about how this affects the family of the perpetrator. This hasn’t just hurt the teenager involved. It has devastated that family, the wife, the children, the parents. So many lives will never be the same.
I don’t know this family well enough to know what is going to happen in their household. I know the kids haven’t been to school all week, and I told my son, they may not be back, at least not to the same school. I explained to Nolan that the reason he can’t say anything about this, to anyone but especially to his friend if he ever comes back, is because no matter what that man did, he is still that childs father. I can’t imagine the hurt and confusion and fear those kids and their mom are feeling right now, and my heart aches for them as much as I ache for the teenage victim.
This has also made me seriously doubt my judgment. I know that’s irrational, because there was no way I could have known and I had no reason to suspect anything. When my kids were younger, we would talk about how you never get in a strangers car, no matter what they say. I would take it further, and say that there are people that we know that we still would not want you to go anywhere by yourself with. Not because they were “bad” people, but simply because we didn’t know them well enough to send our kids off with them. The kids always wanted specifics, so they’d say, what about our neighbor, and I’d say yes or no, depending on how well we knew the person. There were very few people that I would trust my kids with unconditionally. It makes my physically ill all over again when I realize that this person was someone I would have trusted. I did trust. How can we ever be sure?
We live in a suburb, and this kind of thing makes the front page of the newspaper. A couple of months ago, a youth minister was arrested and charged with a similar crime. That man had been a substitute teacher at the 7th grade center, where my other son goes to school. Because these things happened so close together, in our small, safe suburb, the paper not only wrote about the crime itself but published a long article about safety, how to recognize the danger signs and how to protect your children. Good article, in theory. In reality, there might not be any danger signs until it’s too late.
What do you say to your kids about things like this? How much do you tell them, and when do you tell them? There is no hiding behind picket fences, assuming we’re safe because of our nice schools and quiet neighborhoods. I’ve had a big, unwelcome reality check, and it’s taking me awhile to wrap my mind around this.
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